Well film me in slow-mo and help me pad out a FULL FARKNG
Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia Episode 39
One ENTIRE freaking episode on one couple. As in one. Uno. Yup. And it’s not even a couple we’re pumped about watching…but at least we saw more ducks #quackquack.
Tonight is about Hairy Headed Heidi Of The Crazy Expressive Hands and Up Himself While Suddenly Emotional Mike.
Faaaaaark. Anywho, moving along…while packing we learn that Mike loves moisturiser and sunscreen. Honestly, can this show get any more exciting? #gottaprotectyourtatttheremike
Mike thinks ‘when we’re good we’re very very good” and I know how much that expression is going to p*ss me off tonight. We see an extended recap of the dinner party to add length and I fell asleep while mumbling “p*ss right off my screen Insta, you’ve had your turn” #getonwithitffs
Heidi had a bad taste in her mouth and tells us about it while waving her hands expressively around. We dwell on the honesty box question (PLEASE DON’T SHOW US THIS AGAIN JUST FOR PADDING FAAARK!) where Mike says they ‘probably won’t last’ outside of the experiment #wereadthegossipmagazines Heidi needs the week to think about things and Mike thinks he’s ‘had enough’ #sohaveimate
Heidi tells Mike that he can “do whatever you want…it’s alright by me. I just want you to be happy no matter what this looks like” #itsnotyouitsme
Expert John decides to guilt them into trying out this relationship and shows them their wedding video. Everyone is full “OMG OMG OMG” and Mike explained how he forgot that she ‘was unreal’ and meh…Mike is still ‘fond’ of Heidi and then RUBBED HER HAIR AND HER HEAD AND IT BOTHERED THE SH*T OUT OF ME #iamfondofacoffee #fondofmypets#wtffond
MIKE AND HEIDI AT HOME
Mike arrives home and flashbacks to all the good times he’s had with Heidi…FLASHBACK NUMBER 2,112 for the series and eleventy (yes, eleventy) for tonight. STOP IT ALREADY! WE HAVE WATCHED THIS WHOLE FREAKING SERIES! Mike thanks the Experts for giving him Heidi *whispers* and Inta Jess to pay out on #andforgivingustroutpout#blessedtohaveotherstofightwith
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI OF THE EXPRESSIVE HANDS
Heidi has always had a fear of not belonging and THEN HAS GOD DAMN FLASHBACKS to the whole ‘I’m not your therapist” arsehole moment on the beach. “Jesus, surely they’re not going to do flashbacks to make-up for only having one couple are they?” I mumble to myself AND THEY FLASHED BACK to the “Mike’s an 8 out of 10 on the inconsiderate scale’ I SAW IT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SSSSTTTOPPPP! #stopitthefarknow
MIKE AND HIS FAMILY -INCLUDING THE BOBBY DAZZLER
Mike visits with the family who are all fans of Heidi. After we’re all treated to MORE FARKING FLASHBACKS, Mike gives us all a lowdown on the pros and cons of being with Heidi. All this while his relationship expert Mum -MRS BOBBY DAZZLER hands out gems of wisdom #thedazzlersaregold
Mike explaining the pros: she’s charming, adorable, gorgeous, makes me smile blah blah….and I hate lists, but here’s a list of the cons I worked out with Expert John: she’s been hesitant/untrusting/I’m constantly in damage control/she pushes me away/critical of me being a knob, gives me low scores on the out of 10 scale, blah blah trust... you can’t move forward.
Sister: STFU Mike. It takes time to trust someone. You should keep her #dazzlersdaughter
The Bobby Dazzler: It’s a lonely life on your own son. She’s a lovely kid and she’s a really nice person. If you recognize that and you genuinely like her, what does it matter if it takes a little time? #voteonenow #thedazzlers
Mrs Dazzler tells him that he’s the only one that can make his heart decide and puts on ‘Listen To Your Heart’ by Roxette. This song makes it easier for Mike to work up some tears while rubbing his hairline tatt. Mike tells us it’s time to say goodbye #sweetbabycheeseswhyme
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI OF THE EXPRESSIVE HANDS
Heidi meets up with her girlfriends, and the one with laryngitis isn’t “entirely sure about Mike” SO WE FARKING FLASHBACK to the awkward lunch where the friend had a voice and The Bobby Dazzler came to our attention #flashback2833
Heidi accepts blame for everything and explains to the girls that she accepts Mike for the way he is as she’s had ‘epiphanies and revelations”. Johsi, the one with the voice, asks Heidi “but does he accept you for the way you are? There’s two of you in this, stop blaming yourself” and I yelled “yeah Heidi, stop blaming yourself – you have Mike and Expert John who will do that for you! Heidi, waving her hands around at us, explains that her friend is right. #maybethatsyourepiphanyheidi
THE FINAL WEDDING VOWS. AS IN THE FINAL FINAL FINAL ONES #seriously
Thinking of Heidi, Mike explains that “it’s a big day for me” and I chuckled at his expression. BIG DAY FOR ME! He wants to ‘man up’ and wants love and all that shit they’re produced to say.
Heidi is nervous and is freaking out but is full of expressive handed hope
They arrive IN FARKING SLOW MO as the sun shines through the trees and more ducks shake their arse across a pond #ohdearisthatasign Mike is still banging on about his difficult decision and I yelled “just get to the farking FANTASTIC FURNITURE RUG ALTAR AND PUT AN END TO THIS EPSIDOE ALREADY! FAAAARK KILL ME NOW”
Heidi, hobbles up, they hug and the vows finally start:
Heidi: Once upon a time…blah blah so many sparks, hope, love, not all smooth sailing, flame burns bright farkin’ yada yada…Let’s keep going. You. Complete. Me.
Mike: When we met we were older which just means I’ve always been too smart to settle down. We were given support on this experiment and then those beeeotches Insta and Kimmy interfered and tried to make me look bad. We all know i look good though yeah?
You said shit about me, you use your hands a lot, you criticize me when I clearly never do anything wrong and now that you’ve accepted full responsiblity for everything, I’m happy to stay with you and...I love you.
Heidi: omg! You love me? I love you
Mike: you are a lucky woman
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