Well strap yourself in and prepare for tonight’s budget wedding vows on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia episode 38
So we’re on the home stretch and it’s time for the Kimmy K/Manbun Michael and Softening Ning/Tolerant Mark’s final vows. Here’s the story:
MANBUN MICHAEL AND KIMMY K MARTHA
Kimmy K doesn’t want Manbun to cry as that would, be like, soooo embarrassing as there’s no chance she’ll be showing any emotion #whatandruinmymascara
Is there a chance she’ll give up Bondi and move back to Melbourne to be with him? I’m thinking #yeahnahmanbun They share a farewell pash and I can’t help but think Manbun is starting to look a bit disheveled.
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
Ning isn’t ready to say goodbye and still doesn’t understand why Mark didn’t put out for her just after she wrote LEAVE. Mark is really conflicted and is sick of all the Trump style walls Ning has been putting for the last 9 weeks. #trumpwalls
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK AT HOME
NING IN TOWNSVILLE
Ning arrives home to an empty house and misses the constant grinding Mark always did on her leg while cooking. She contemplates life and wonders whether Mark is lighting his candle for her or if he’s looking at it, unlit on the table, while he eats his lonely Jenny Craig microwave meal. #firstlotofningtears #2minutemeal
She meets up with friends, trusty GHD in hand and talks having the ‘feels’ for Mark - even when she’s spent 8 of 9 weeks rejecting him. After explaining to more friends (Joy, Tracey and Michelle) that she actually wanted to shag him, Joy explains that maybe it was hard for Mark to ‘penetrate’ her…umm...walls. #ningtearsnumbertwo
MARK IN MELBOURNE
Mark arrived home to his 2 minute meal, his single cup and his unlit Ning candle and thought how perfect his life was before this experiment #somethingsmissinginmylife. He misses Ning’s cooking and is sad that the cuddle pillows don’t reject him before kicking back to watch The Notebook.
Mark meets up with his BFF Michael and his Mostly Silent Female friend to discuss how Ning is more invested after JUST trying to leave last week. Michael and the Mostly Silent Female throw looks to one another in constant “is he for f*cking real?” looks. #soundsliketrueloverightthere
KIMMY K AND MANBUN MICHAEL
MANBUN IN MELBOURNE
Manbun meets up with his folks to discuss Kimmy K. Both parents are apprehensive that, shock horror, Kimmy K is unwilling to alter her life for him.. because, you know…they’ve met her.#onyasandroanddaniela
KIMMY K MARTHA IN MELBOURNE (even though she apparently hates the joint)
Kimmy K tells us how Manbun used to be nervous in front of the camera but, after spending quality time with her, he’s all “look at me now with a Kardashian and drinking Aperol Spritz” in photos #blessed.
Kimmy K tells us that Manbun “makes me a nicer person” and I shake my head and yell “compared to who ya Puppet Master?” She discussed things with her mum:
Mum: I see you have feelings for him
Kimmy K: Yeah and I don’t even have to do anything for him! I just say ‘baaaaabe’ heaps haahahah. What is love anyway?
Mum: Yeah, you’re not the easiest person. Love is like how you love your Gucci shoes
Kimmy: hahaa, Mum you’re so heartless like me. He’s so nice and none of us are….
Mum: long distance doesn’t work
Kimmy K: Maybe I’d move back…just kidding, not a chance
THE FINAL VOWS
Manbun does his own hair in a manbun and thinks maybe he can do things for himself after all. He also tells us he’s not going to be his normal passive puppy dog self. I yell “ffs, whatever dude! You’ll cave, we all know you will”
They both arrive and firstly, WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THE FARKING SLOW MO? Is it to help pad out the next 37 minutes of this damn show? Kimmy K tells us the only option of this relationship is if Manbun moves to Sydney and feigns being nervous about it #icouldntreallytellbyyourfacesothanksfortellingmedarl
Kimmy K starts her vows at the low budget in the middle of nowhere with three flowers altar: When I saw you, I thought WTF? You’re not my normal type but I knew I could take you on as a pet project. You’re like, my polar opposite: you’re a great listener, you’re kind/on time but I’m not f*cking moving as I’m so busy and unpredictable. So, my little bitch, if you want me in your fewcha, you should uproot your life and move to Bondi. #kardashianlife #youllneedabetterjobtoo
Manbun: Highest of highs and lowest of lows with you. You’ve kept up walls, made me uncomfortable with your lack of trust and kept me at an emotional arms-length. I began to question if you were right for me but you taught me about vibes and the Kardashan lifestyle. So I’m trusting my instincts and giving my identity up to relocate to be with you...because I love you #witnessprotectionstyle
Me: he said he f*cking loved you! COME ON! GIVE THE POOR BASTARD SOMETHING!
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
Ning cried again and regrets being Meanie Ning for most of the experiment and leaves her hotel room NUMBER 13! WTF producers, was that just a little giggle on your account? #unlucky
Mark, giving us a hint of his decision tells us he’d “hoped he’s meet someone that he could say the L word to” I yelled “get it over with then dude!”
We go to GOD DAMNED SLOW MO AGAIN and watch some ducks shake their arse across the screen in preparation for the vows:
NING: My Silver Fox, I know I’ve been hard to love. You’ve helped me heal even after I tried to kick you in the face with water, wrote leave twice and curled my lips in disgust every time you tried to touch me. BUT, that was only for the first 8 weeks and I’m healed now so…. thanks for that. I’ve got the feels so I’m saying yes to you even though I’m unsure about love. So….over to you
Mark: I’ve never committed to a woman even at the old age of 42
ME: enough of the old age shit there buddy!
Mark: You’re funny, selfless blah blah blah it’s been incredible. I came on here to find love….
DRAMATIC PAUSE FOR EFFECT
Mark: BUT I haven’t found it with you. My feelings are strong but not strong enough to buy more plates, cups, frypans or to ditch my non-talking cuddle pillows…
Ning: JUST STOP. THIS IS BULLSHIT!! You had the choice to leave last week so I just don’t know why we’re here. Just because I ditched you heaps first, you should have known I’d eventually open up on my timeline.
Mark: I like you, I really do..
Ning: STFU, I’ve never given you a reason to not trust me *whispers* aside from the leave/contempt/kick water thing. This is such bullshit ya KNOB! You just kept me here to humiliate me.
Mark: ummmm, what? I thought you wanted to leave LIKE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO!
Until tomorrow night
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