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Well tickle my bits and call me Elmo, we’re on the final (yay!) stretch for the trash train that is Married At First Sight Australia episode 37
It’s the morning after the dinner party and we focus on the two couples getting ready for their final vows:
INSTA JESS AND DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP
Insta is in a rush to buy a one way flight to the Goldy and still thinks Up-Himself Mike is a tw*t for calling her out. Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap thinks ‘everyfink’ is moving fast and wants to rush home to tell The Gabster that a new chick has declared her love for him #puckeringthepoopholeagaintheredirtydan #gabsterwontbeappytheredan
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
The experts have ‘one last surprise’ for the lovebirds: the highlight video of their wedding to try and milk a proposal out of an emotional Cam. They both have a little cry and I hugged the TV and looked forward to going to their real wedding for the four hours of free booze. We touch on Cam giving Jules the ‘blonde box’ (it’s white ffs) of the contra bracelet and Cam lets us know he ‘ might’ propose. #whateverdudejustdoitalready #wheresmydamninvite
Expert John thinks the time apart might have Jules and Cam question their relationship and I yelled “STFU JOHN!”
INSTA AND DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AT HOME
INSTA IN PERTH
Insta talks about how smart Dirty Dan is 😬 and how he makes her feel all confident. She doesn’t regret the whole cheating/‘OMG we’re in love’ thing and is grateful it’s “reciprocated quite greatly” #matchedperfectlyidsay#doofus
Insta met with her sister Eliza and reminded her about the guy she was fancying the peen off earlier – you know, when Mick Dundee was in the other room.
Eliza was all “WHAT? YOU LOVE EACH OTHER? Then whispered to us “I think my sister is a smidge peen struck” Eliza learned about Insta moving to the Goldy and did the sensible “ummm, are you sure about this ya boofhead?” #someonegotallthesmarts
Insta rammed her fingers into her cheeks (as it helps to poke yourself when you want to cry) “Oh…now I’m feeling pressure and everyfink…I need to fink with my head as opposed to me foofa…It’s just that Dan says so many beautiful things to me like “I fink so, yeah’ when I asked him if he loved me” #soromantic
DAN ON THE GOLDY
Dan has ‘arksed for this’ and is struggling with the possibility they might be moving too fast. #doyouf***ingthinkmate
We head to The Gabster’s house to have a pow wow. After hearing about Jess, The Gabster was all “oh you sly dog”. She was shattered that he was ‘in love’ with someone after only a week on the dodgy experiment. #movingtooquicktherebuddy #putyourcardsawaydarl
They were all “WTF DANIEL? You can’t just say ‘you love ‘er after two weeks you bell-end!”
Perturbed by receiving an accurate mum opinion from The Gabster, Dirty Dan ran over to meet his friends – Chris and Brie – in the hope of getting a positive vibe.
Here’s Chris’ response after Dirty told him about the one way flight by Insta:
CHRIS: You are one in a lifetime. WTF dude, are you Bronson’s word-struck? Are you for real? I’m not sold ya knob, it’s all fake #onyachris#howdidyougethimasamate
We then see Dirty sitting on the beach trying to think #thismaytakeawhile
JULES IN SYDNEY
Jules is devastated about losing her wing man and we’re reminded of Cam in his big borrowed hat declaring his love.
She meets up with Shannon and Kylie who ask ‘what are you expecting?”. When Jules responded that she’d “love a proposal” they did the whole “wtf chicka?” look before saying “hahah, just kidding, we have no reservations at all as this show is known for matching awesome couples, so all good. #fullspeedahead
CARING CAM IN SYDNEY
We see Cam wake up hugging his photo of Jules and flash to a montage of all the times he’d cut up food for her. The food slicing memories are too much and we all get a little moist with emotion #fooddoesthattometoo
Cam meets up with his mate Timmy, The Solid Advice Giver. Cam confesses his idea of proposing and Timmy was all “holy s***balls!...you are? What about reality outside of your box?” Cam asks if he’s “crazy” and Timmy was all “when you know you know – you can do it for real this time and I’m planning the bucksy. #fullsteamaheadparttwo
THE BLUE MOUNTAINS FINAL VOWS
INSTA AND DIRTY DAN
Insta woke up telling us she was smart and Dirty Dan woke up telling us that he “jumps in head first and finks later” #twopeasinapod
Dan walked in slow-mo through the woods (which I thought was kinda symbolic) and Insta reminded us how much she’s in love with Dan and I yelled “FFS, ENOUGH ALREADY! GET ON WITH IT!”
Here’s their vows:
Insta: Mine and your meeting was fate, I was shocked at how deep our intellectual match is . You’re so rare and I’m pinching meself. You make me be a better version of meself
ME YELLING: Well FAAAAAAARK, what was the other version like before?
Insta: I am wholeheartedly head over heels in love with you * starts singing* ‘Cause all of me loves all of you….’
Dan: I knew as soon as I saw your boobs in that dress that I had to have ya. I came into this with really low hopes ‘cause I’m super picky with ma chicks….but you in that dress P.H.W.O.A.R
BIG PAUSE FOR DRAMA
DAN: BUT despite these feelings I felt bad about how s***ty we’ve been by cheating and stuff *whispers* and I need to say all of this so I can try and not look like an arseh*le after filming stops
DAN: haahaha, got ya. I don’t give a rats about anyone else, I love ya and fark them all. Haters gonna hate. Life’s too short and I can’t find someone else who will give me support in court like you will. I really do love ya. Here, have a ring as a sign of commitment ‘cause you know how seriously I take the meaning of marriage
Jess: OMOOOOIGAWWWWD! I love you babe. The fewcha is so bright: a coastal move, kids, a house... everyfink!
Dan: Farrrrk, slow down there Toots. You’re jumpin the gun. Hahaha, it’s a bewdiful day and you made it bewdiful too. Haahahaha #getthefarkoffmyscreen
JULES AND CAM
Cam arrives with enough background lighting to make it look like he’d stepped off a UFO. Birds are chirping, the hidden choir starts singing, fountains were overflowing and I was actually smiling!
Jules also arrived in slow-mo, the choir boys went up a pitch and the hidden pianist started playing. Their vows went something like this:
Jules: If I hadn’t taken this leap of faith it would have been the biggest regret of my life. We’ve been the only couple in this freaking s***-show that meant every word we said, our personalities matched/love of my life/same city etc..(which is probably why we received the lowest amount of airtime) You’re my besty/hadpicked/made for me and I am so in love with you #stopitimnotcryingyouarecrying
Cam, emotional and doing the deep breathing exercises that Mahatma Dino showed him: When our eyes first met and I saw how beautiful you were, you blew away even my wildest expectations…(insert amazing compliments that I can’t type fast enough to capture) You’ve helped me to love blah blah
PAUSE FOR DRAMA
Cam: BUT I fear that when we leave this bubble we’ll be challenged….JUST KIDDING! I can’t imagine a day in my life without you. So today this isn’t about remaining exactly how we are it’s about giving us the moment we missed coming into this experiment.
STOP IT I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING
Cam then bends on one knee and proposes to Jules who of course says yes and…ahhhhhhhh, it was a lovely moment - only spoiled by a producer yelling “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER! WE GOT ONE!
Jules and Cam both put on leather jackets and start doing the final scene from Grease “You’re the one that I want…..ooh ooh ooooooh honey” and after finishing the see-saw scene yelled “We’re getting married AGAIN!! We’re proof that this crazy experiment can actually work and you can find love in it”#ahhhitwasaflukedarl
Until tomorrow night
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Image supplied by NINE.