400 freaking hours they’re making us watch. Here’s the update for ep 35 of Mafs
We wake up with Insta Jess and Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap slightly sweaty from their ‘first’ romp. Insta giddily tells us Dirty is very 'experienced' in the bedroom 🤢 I screwed my eyes shut with the experience of a disciplined MAFS watcher and wiped my tears away with a gnarly hanky. #myeyesactuallybled #helpme
We find out it wasn't just a shag... Oh no my friends, it was 'making love'. so I cried a little bit more while my husbby hurled abuse at me for ‘watching this shit’. #whybabes #rootratshowshisexperience
Softening Ning and Tolerant Mark didn't shag. As in, nothing, Nada, no peen in the foofa action at all. Mark recapped their collection of dramas and, well, I get it. I mean, I'm all for #nike but Jesus, just tap and go already #ortapandstaywhatevs
Up Himself Mike and Hairy Headed Heidi are also in desperate need of phoning 1800 I-S-S-U-E-S. Tbh, we all know nothing woud have been gained by 'delving deep with Insta’, so ease up on the fight there Heids.
Heidi hopes Mike considers her when choosing the date for them and I had a little eye roll at her wishful thinking. #goodluckwoththatoneheids
The couple head off in the Great Gatsby car to where they got married. They gush, we gush and Cam brings out the contra bracelet and acknowledged it will be an engagement ring one day #watchhowlittleairtimetheygetnow
With a little cross promotion for 9, a 'The Voice' contestant came and sang for them and awwwwwwwwwwww if they're not together in 30 years i'll be freaking devastated. #putaringonit
UP HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
Heidi hates boats so Mike naturally organised a day on a boat #sahthoughtful. Expert John tells us that Heidi ‘needs to compromise’ and I yelled "piss off John SHE HAD ALREADY FARKING TOLD HIM SHE HATED BOATS!” #keepupjohnffs
Mike, wanting to tick off a personal bucket list while ticking his personal bucket tall ships list, decided they should climb the crows nest as a way for them to 'get closer' #bucketlistmike
Heidi tells us "it's all about him" and I (along with all of you) was shocked at her insight. Honestly, it was like Mike knew it was over and thought "fark it, I'll just do what I love and get Channel 9 to pay for it - it worked for Insta and Dirty, so why not me?" #kingoftheworld
Expert John blabbed but meh....
The couple had another one of 'those' conversations and we all agree that a)they're different b) MIke has checked out and c) I've lost interest in their drama so there’s really no need for a d)
But then I perked up as Mike wrote a poem. I got a little nervous for him...but it was great. Here it is:
“Heidi and Mike are sitting in a tree
A - R - G - U....and I - NG
First came me, then came you, and now we both need to be thinking of me...
And ummmm...that’s it”
Heidi cried and everything just got too complicated. Fark me, i'm too exhausted for these two
JESS AND DAN
They've lived together for 2 days and Insta "arksed" if Dan was falling in love. They pashed, I felt icky, they discuss their sexual chemistry, had a leg rub near the peen and closed the door so we couldn’t watch again #thankchristforsmallmercies #instathepeentoucher
So we end the show with the Mike/Heidi and Ning/Mark relationships up in the air.
For the love of God, let this end soon and bring back Cyrell to burn this shit to the ground
OK, so here’s what I think should have happened....
Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell walks in, breathes fire and burns the whole shit show to the ground. Its almost like a toned down version of the Red Wedding in GOT’s but a louder version as Cyrell yells the entire time #cyrellisgonnasmashitatthereunion
Then the end credits happen and...well, that’s it
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