Well save me some Perth to Goldy airfares and let me enjoy the Trash Train freebies on episode 34 ofMarried At First Sight Australia
It’s the final week of the experiment and things are weighing heavily on Dan’s mind…like how the hell did he and Insta scam another week on a show “Married At First Sight” when they’re not actually married? #buellerbuellerbueller
Insta tells us she felt bad about Mick crying and I dry heaved while slapping my own face for watching this stupid show. Insta borrowed Warwick Capper’s shorts again and obligingly bent over for a close up #seriouslywhynow#mytvhasacrackinit
So after last night’s drama, some bright spark decided to have a segment called “Couple Swap” which was hilarious and inappropriate af.
MARTHA WITH DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP
Martha did the “what are your intentions with my BFF?” in an attempt to look protective. Kimmy`even tried to keep her face interested in his response. Dan said:
“Oooh, hahaha...she’s young, hot, likes kids, family and makes me feel good about meself. I feel like I could lift a car. Haahaa, I meant mountain haahahaha”
Kimmy knew instantly her “BFF” was in good hands with Dirty Dan ….Hahaha, just kidding I don’t think Martha gives even the remotest shit if they work out or not.#butiwanteddramaandnowsheshappy #boohoo
MIKE IS MATCHED WITH INSTA JESS
Mike would rather massage his peen with a potato peeler than hang out with Insta. Insta isn’t happy about spending time with the man who ‘even insulted my lips! Who does that?” and I quickly lowered my hand from shooting it up when she asked the question. #handupfasterthanakindykid#memememe
They meet at the Ivanhoe (the hoe part I know, but does anyone know who Ivan is????)
Mike was being insipidly nice to bait Insta into an argument, and it didn’t take long for ole fish lips to bite. Insta tells us Mike had said some “pretty nasty truths” about her (ummm, did you just hear what you said? Truths? Hahaa!) and then told Mark he was a meanie at the dinner party.
Mike, failing at the deep breathing technique he learned from Mahatma Dino, said “righto, Trout Pout, you got me. I think you’re a f8cking disgrace and I wanted to humiliate you in a group setting….I was sticking up for a friend, ya #twattytwattwat
They fought some more but my eyes glazed over too much to understand what was happening.
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND TOLERANT MARK
Here’s their convo:
Jules: So…why aren’t you two having sex yet?
Mark: Maybe it’s because Ning savaged me with rejection at the start…so this is probably a hangover from that
Jules: yeah…well maybe you two should shag
MANBUN MICHAEL AND SOFTENING NING 4
Repeat above conversation from Jules and Mark
CARING CAM AND HARIY HEADED HEIDI
Heidi is stoked that she has Caring Cam to talk and we all agree as everyone needs a Caring Cam in their lives: he’s the straight guy that knows all the right things to say….which is exactly why he and Heidi had about 90 seconds of airtime#goodguysdontselladvertising#gobacktothear8eholesyelledtheproducer
THE FINAL DATES
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
OK, so for 8 weeks (or 2,000 years in MAFS viewing time) these two have had a battle.
Mark tried to make it work first, Ning found him distasteful, Mark backed off, Ning took a step forward, Mark wanted to shag, Ning didn’t, Ning wrote leave and now Mark isn’t sure if they should shag or not #imconfusedtoodarl
The entire date was Ning hinting they should shag while Mark questioned everything since the day he was born. They went to the Blue Mountains, we see Mark’s bum, Ning’s g-banger and creepily follow them into the spa.
Everything was about sex and I rolled my eyes so far back into my head I got vertigo and yelled “ffs!#Nike” I just want them to stop talking about it all. The. Farking. Time #slowdownyouarehurtingme
They go to bed, Ning tried to swing a leg, Mark contemplated the spider on the roof and…..#stopnow.
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
Manbun took Kimmy K to the movies and impressed her by showing her a movie all about Kimmy #sahgreat #omgbabethismovieisamaaaaazing “I actually got emotional #shook haahaha” Kimmy said and Manbun replied: “Emotional? You? No way!!” #ithinkhesgettingtoknowher
Manbun, caught in the feels, takes Kimmy to lunch, gives her some earrings while Kimmy dropped a bomb: ‘long distance relationships don’t work – you’d have to fly all the time to see me, and you, like, have a full time job which is inconvenient” #iwishyouwerericher#itwillonlyworkifyouseemewheneveriwant
Manbun got surly and Kimmy K, realising she probably should have mentioned this earlier, backed down and said “oh, ummm, I know deep down we’ll work! See my face how sincere I am? No? what about this, can you see me frown? No? What about happy? Oh well, trust me I’m showing sincerity now” #ilookgoodthoughyeah#soexpressive
Manbun gave Kimmy a shell from their honeymoon that he’d had engraved with the words “you forever hold my balls” which was really sweet#whippedlikethecreamonthesconesofthecwa
INSTA JESS AND DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP
OK, I just find myself curling my lip whenever these two come on.
Insta is as giddy as a bobblehead doll and says things like “I’m like, really, happy. Like, with my choice” and “he’s the one for me” while Dirty does the “You’re a turn on…not in a kinky way haahahahaha” For the second time tonight I slapped myself again for watching this shit.#seeiamaslappertoo #bitchslap
Dirty laughingly tells us he wants to take his time with Insta by not boofing her straight away. “hmm” I thought, ‘there’s a change up for the books ya mad rooter!”
Dirty takes Insta out for their first legitimate date and shared amazing conversations with Insta: “Awwwwww, baaaaabe! Oh My Gosh BAAAAABE! You’re amazing!! *giggle giggle*” while she was leaning in to put her hand near the dirty peen
Dirty then spent $15 on a bottle of champers, grabbed some Cadbury’s assorted and nicked some flowers and was all “oh yeah, I’m pretty keen for a root so I’ll turn the charm on, watch this…haahahah”
They go back to the hotel, a cork was popped and I turned away before they started chewing on each other’s faces again #farkmylife
Until tomorrow night
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