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MAFS - The Cheaters Exposed

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Well let me double-cross you and keep me riding on the Trash Train that is episode 33 of #MAFS

It’s the morning after the night before and honestly, I don’t give a fark what’s happening, I just want the commitment ceremony and the hysteria it promises. BUT, if I skip all this other guff, I’ll have all the freaking Debbie’s of the world moaning: “oh, that Rock Star Mum is a crap reviewer, she missed all the menial s*** I moan about and went straight to all the drama we all cherish” #f***offdebbie

Anywho, here’s all the guff for you Debs:

Kimmy K Martha was telling Manbun Michael what to wear, Birkenstock Jules was agreeing with Up Himself Mike while he was justifying his behaviour to Hairy Headed Heidi, Insta Jess was looking at her Lovisa jewelry collection and hopeful for love by practicing her trout pout to, Mick Dundee was aggressively writing L.E.A.V.E 19 times so we’d get the message, Soon To Be Cranky Tam got ready in her bedroom (the lounge-room WTF?) while Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap put on his loafers without remorse and Ning was questioning everything while Mark sang the old Roxette favourite “listen to your heart, when he’s calling for you…”#the80swereunderrated

The ‘girls and boys’ caught up to add another five minutes to our viewing time and to make us all think everyone (except for Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam) would leave. The only thing of note is how absolutely freaking excited Kimmy K was about Insta causing havoc tonight #everyonewaslickingtheirlips #whyisntvaselinethemajorsponsor

THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY 
Dirty Dan and Insta Jess did a little “ooooh, we’re pumped as everything is real between us and we’ll be walking out hand in hand’ before Expert John spoke…..what he said, I have no idea, as I was on my wee and wine break. I did hear something like ‘the final commitment ceremony’ and that everyone needed to be ‘honest and vulnerable” #whatevsjohn #notpossible

MANBUN MICHAEL AND KIMMY K MARTHA
Manbun is scared of roadblocks and found out that Kimmy K is inflexible when it comes to…well….anything that doesn’t suit her. Kimmy K swears Manbun is softening her cold-arsed heart, but we all know Kimmy is staying in Sydney. #sydneyforeverforkimmy #poormanbun

SOFTENING NING AND TOLERAN MARK
Mark out ‘experted’ the Experts by diagnosing Ning as a type 1 Scaredy Cat and Ning agreed wholeheartedly while pouring out her uncertain heart. We hear that “Mark deserves more” and we all nod - while wondering why the hell people living 4,000,000 kilometers away from each other (when one has kids and the other has beer pong cups) were matched in the first place. Ning wrote LEAVE and Mark, diagnosing Ning as a scaredy cat again decided to STAY #enoughwallbuildingtokeeptrumphappy #takethechancening

BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
Cam admitted he ‘broke’ earlier in the week and I hugged the television once again to reassure him. We heard about the love fest with the families and of course they both wrote STAY to continue the love fest #realmengetemotional#lovingyourworkyoutwo

HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP-HIMSELF MIKE
Heidi was traumatised about Mike’s method of calling Insta out at the dinner party. While I nod that Mike can indeed be a condescending pratt, I agreed with everything he said and thought “just farking wait until Insta admits what she’s done and then we’ll see what happens”

They make a big deal out of both being entirely “done” with this relationship and both (of course!) write STAY #pickandstick#justwaitfortwentyminutesheidi

INTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE
Ok…I think it’s pretty safe to say this is what we’ve been waiting for. #doyouthinkfi

Dirty Dan looked on with his poo hole bubbling with nerves, Insta was trying not to let her right nip slip for a drama and Mick Dundee was making me twitch with his big bare feet in my eyeballs. #wherestheservothongsmick#2pairsfor25isabargain

They tell us about the week and Mick mentions again that ‘ole sausage lips’ is a bit of an arsehole and wasn’t in the experiment for the right reasons. Insta splattered “that’s dis-gus-thing’ in a re-enactment of Broxie’s balcony scene, and exclaimed “My heart is pure and my heart is golden! And you never deserved it” “NO S***!” I yelled as Mick deserved better and showed us his LEAVE graffiti scrawled 19 times.

Insta babbled on that she’d finally written ‘LEAVE’ too and Mick exclaimed “Heaven’s to Betsy!’ so loudly he didn’t hear the whole “ummm, I wanna stay with the love of my life, I’m confident/excited/blah blah and it’s Dirty Dan”. A gasp went around the room and Mike looked smug af that he was right to hang s*** on Insta. Heidi was all ‘fark, I’m never gonna hear the end of this’ from Mike saying ‘told you so’ and Dirty Dan, puckering sphincter puckering, kept whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry’. #sphincterpuckerer

Mick told Insta she was the most “selfish/spoiled/brattish b****” and the whole situation was ‘un-farking-believable”. With my gangsta emotions running hot I put my dressing gown chord around my head and yelled “you tell that b**** Mick, I’ll back a muvvafarka up” and paced the room in anger…and I forgot all about poor Soon To Be Cranky Tam and how she was doing.

Tam used the ‘f***head’ word about Dirty Dan and I thought how much ‘f***head’ is coming back in vogue. I personally would have gone straight to Backstreet Bronson’s favourite catch phrase but whatevs, ‘f***head’ works too in this situation #wheresbackstreetwhenyouneedhim

Insta sat there grinning like a Cheshire cat who liked juicy peens and explained that she’d ‘tried to keep her space’ from Tam while also trying to steal her fake husband. Dirty Dan whimpered a little ‘I’m sorry’ to Tam and we all yelled “oh fark off Dirty Dan’ and she left the room in tears.

Kimmy K owned up to knowing the goss and I patiently waited for a Cyrell style take-down and well…nothing happened. Mick didn’t blame the Manbun/Kimmy duo he just wanted some honesty.

FFS! The Country Women’s Association should have walked right in with their scones and ferocious faces blazing and burned the place to the ground before carrying Mick off to champion him for the Farmer Wants A Wife launch…but no….not even a CWA representative. Very disappointed Ladies. #shameonyoucwa

Expert John asked Insta why she kept Mick on the show and I yelled “It was all for the peen” while Insta replied “ummm, seriously, do you not know how f***ing expensive it is to fly from Perth to the Goldy? We want to stay and have Channel 9 foot the bills while getting a daily allowance….hahaahah, surely you understand this?”
#tryjetstardoll

Mick started getting moist eyes and I hugged the screen while flipping the bird and a menacing glare at Insta. Everyone was up in arms about Dirty Dan and Insta wanting to stay while we did a sad farewell to Mick and Tam. God I hope the photos of them as a ‘couple’ by the paps is in fact real. #pleasebetrue

The Experts have a discussion about the couple staying and decide the ratings would be worth it. I mean seriously, yeah, with only a few happy couples and no Cyclone Cyrell, Anus Ines, Backstreet Bronson, Critical Susie or Matt the Virgin to keep things dramatic, what the fark else are they gonna do?

The Experts tell us they are going to let them stay and everyone except for Mike/Heidi and Ning/Mark are accepting of the whole #Perthandgoldynoairfaresrequired couple.

What in a f***ery did I just watch and why do I feel like I almost had the best sex of my life without an earth shattering O at the end? #completelyletdown#yeahnahitwasntgoodforme

I say bring back Cyrell and burn this mother***er to the ground

Until tomorrow night

FI
#MAFS

 

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