Step away from the platform please, the drunk-*rse Trash Train is arriving for the never-ending farking saga of #MAFS episode 32
The morning after the night before: our passengers are on the move in full make-up and no apparent hangover #obviouslycrapnightsoutgirlsandboys
Insta Jess feels guilty about opening her mouth for something other than Dirty Dan’s tongue, Kimmy K Martha innocently tells Manbun Michael about “poor Ning” and forgets to mention she yelled “it’s true bitches!” to encourage drama, Soon To Be Cranky Tam is wondering what the drama could be and Dan’s sphincter is puckering with guilt nerves.#shouldbegoodbanterandagoodfeed#dirtypuckerup
Up-Himself Mike lets Hairy-Headed Heidi to apply eyeliner so he can be an Egyptian Pharaoh at dinner and his job tonight is not to ‘escalate’ anything. #escalateplease#causef*ckingmayhemmike
Tolerant Mark and Softening Ning are discussing Insta’s accusation about him wanting to ‘sleep with prostitutes” and I’m pretty sure Insta said ‘bitches’ but whatevs. Ning lovingly assures us she has faith in Mark #kindasortaalmostmaybe
Expert John said something but, as you know, it’s my wee and wine refill time, so…
Ning, Mark, Kimmy K Martha and GHD’d Manbun arrive and we touch on #instagate but decide to leave it to those concerned. More arrive and Kimmy K ‘accidentally’ says “the Girls Night went from a 0-100….Oopsadaisy. Oooh, did I bring it up? My bad….*whispers I am going to have the best fun tonight….*hahahaha” #smilingassasin
Insta arrives and tells us “I’m uncomfortable” and my eyes squint in annoyance. Btw, did anyone else think Insta said “I love you” when she hugged Dirty Dan and then tried to cover it up with a “loving the shirt”? #justcurious #awkwardasf*ckinthisbitchsaidkimmy
Mike started chanting “hold the millennials accountable!” and, resisting the urge to rub his Pharaoh eyes, launches at Insta:
Mike: What did you say about Mark last night?
Insta: Mark can talk in private to moi as I’m too respectful to talk about this in public *high fives Producer*
Mark: But why did you talk about me?
Insta: umm, Ning has kids and *looks at Dirty Dan* I’m VERY RESPECTFUL of kids heeheehee. I’m not saying anyfink else here, it’s too immature
Mark: But ummm... you told all the girls ya dingbat!
Insta: Yeah, but nah. I’m comfy with girls and not comfy with boys…*whispers to us: and I don’t want to look like an arsehole in front of Dirty. I owe them all nuffink hahaahahah*
Dirty drinks his beer nervously and confides: “oh, I wanna say somefink, believe me…but I’m small and nuggety and Mick Dundee can hold down a sheep while Mike irons half naked so.. she’s on her own hahhahaha” #donthurtmeboys
Mike annoys Insta some more and I yell at Mark to lob a grenade. #speakthefarkupmark. Insta, not wanting to talk in front of the group yells “I’d want to know about my hubby..wouldn’t you?” I was warming to Pharaoh Mike but he dopily dropped the “and stick with your knitting” at Insta. Jules, Martha, Heidi and I all called him a ‘twat’ and sipped our wine. #mikeyouweregoingsowell
Mick tells Mark “I should be at home on my back, probably shit-tarded by now listening to Island in the Stream” and I sympathise, but then again, how would I know about #shittarded?
FINALLY, the guy with the made-up accent yells “Vadies and Ventleman, Zinner is Swerved”
Mike, sitting next to Insta, wants to give her “comeuppance” and smirks “you can make a drama out of thin air”. Manbun’s defensive: “let Mark speak and take a step back” and I mumble “yeah, like you have, ya straight haired freaking muppet…shut your pie-hole”#didyoulethimtalkkimmy
Expert John feels for Insta and tells us Mike is being a twat. WE F*CKING KNOW BUT WHO ELSE IS SAYING ANYTHING? #surprisinglyteammikeWhere the hell is Cyclone Cyrell? I mean, Mike is good at all this but Insta doesn’t understand half the words he’s saying SO COME ON ALREADY!#maybejustdumbitdownabitmike
Mike takes us back to Accurate street right and tells Insta “It’s not about Instagram and selfies and trout pouts” and WAHOOOOOO! That’s exactly what the fuck she thinks it is, but thanks for giving me “trout pout” Mike! Love #alloverthetroutpout
We get to the truth: Mark DID say shit about Ning, but that was weeks ago, when we ALL thought Ning-a-ling was a bitch so #noharmnofoul. We get back to rooting for Ning and Mark as#someonehasto
Dirty Dan gives a dodgy toast and I yell “SIT THE FARK DOWN SON! EVERYBODY KNOWS SPEECHES COME FROM CARING CAM ONLY…YOUR JOB IS TO REMAIN DIRTY #knowyourplace.
Mick annoys all the ad-break watching My Kitchen Rules fans by confusing risotto and everyone “tsk tsk tsk’s” at Mick #getabigtboneupyabuddy#bangersandmashrock
I realised why Kimmy K annoyed me tonight more than normal: she elongates syllables and it farking does my head in: “so lucky to have him” became “soooooo luuuuuuckiiiiie to haaavvvve hiiiimmmmmmm” #f*cksmeoffroyally
Mike and Insta hate-on again and when Heidi did the painting analogy, I threw my wine at my hubby to create my own drama for a breather. He threw one back and we made out for a while - which was cool - and when we stopped, Ning was explaining her farking relationship scale AGAIN!#wef*ckingknowwewereinprimaryschooltooyouknow
Kimmy leaned into ‘steadily drinking’ Tam to see how she felt about tonight and Tam was all “OMGAWD, Insta is so compoised”.#sopoisedandcomposed.
Insta then slappered her way to Dirty to put her hand near his peen again. Mike started using five syllable words to annoy Insta and she clapped through ‘gen-er-al-it-ies” to be sure.#seeiamnotapsychosaidheidiseewhathedoes
We hear “Trout Pout” is merely an observation and I have to agree. #wherethemguppiesat#notaninsultdarl
Jules and Cam are shattered and Jules whispered “I can’t believe that Dirty Effing Dan did a toast. Baby, that’s your job” I agree and promise to bitch-slap the next person that tries a speech.
Kimmy K thinks Manbun is the “luckiest bitch on the planet” as she created him, and Tam, gobbing another wine, is jealous.
Dirty tells us about his lumpy pants feeling for Insta and they hook-up outside where NOBODY FARKING SEES 🙄#doesacameramanleavetheroomorno #whataboutthelightingguys #isitsetupoutsidejustincase #justcurious
They do the whole ‘you’re so preddy/tick my box/tingly peen and we flick to Tam having a close up of necking wine and I felt #reallydirty. It was all lips and ... just f*cking no. We go back to the tongue lickers to hear they’ll both write LEAVE and ask to STAY as a #newcouple. They lick tongues (obvs) and I yell “MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! STOP…FAAAAAARK. #pleasedonthurtmelikethisagain
Kimmy tells everyone Manbun did her lipliner #iownthisbitch Mike comments about Martha’s “bling top” and Tam slurs “haahaa bling it bitch”.
Ning watches Dirty and Insta walk in and asks Insta “what’s been happening with Dan?” Insta mumble-f*cks to Dan: “Hey Dan, have we been spending time? there’s been *clapping her hands to the syllables* all-e-ga-tions” and yells to Mike “that’s four syllables motherf*cker, I’m smart too see” #goldstarforinsta
Insta tells Kimmy she’s falling for Dirty and reveals the LEAVE/ STAY plan. Kimmy: “That’s f*cking hot…I need you to do this *licks her lips and tweaks her own nipple* I love this dramatic shit. #sosomuch
Insta, tells us she knows the importance of “marriage, honesty and my knew favourite word R.E.S.P.E.C.T HAAHAHAH, JUST JOKES YA MOLLS!”
Tam stands up likes a pissed bridesmaid to do a “love youse all” speech and I yelled at Jules “crashtackle her…ffs, this is Cam’s job. Do it for Cam!” And I bitch slapped the tv #asipromisediwould #sitdownandstfutam
Until the commitment ceremony
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