Well staple my flaps to the floor and keep me grounded, here’s episode 29 of the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
Birkenstock Jules is emotional, Cyclone Cyrell doesn’t regret anything, Non-Ejaculating Nic is confused, Dirty Dan is a ‘dirty dog’ and giving Soon To Be Cranky Tamara hope, there’s a lot weighing on Insta Jess ‘mentally’, Mick Dundee is using Aussie-isms to keep us happy, Kimmy K is giving Manbun Michael the goss, Nervous Billy wants to be tough, Critical Susie is fluttering her 4 metre eyelashes and we go to
The COMMITMENT CEREMONY
Expert John spoke but as I use this time to refill my wine and have a wee, I have no idea what he said...
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP-HIMSELF MIKE
Heidi’s upset about Mike using all the bath towels and I thought ‘how many towels do you really need there Baldy?’
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL.
Manbun is “falling for” Martha and Martha, with as much emotion as I get taking a poop, said “yeah, I’m totes falling for him too” #areyouthoughdarl#ohyeahlikeseriouslylikefalling
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJACULATING NIN
We hear everyone in Cyrell’s family ‘loves Nic’ and I yelled “BOLLOCKS!”. If Ivan loved Nic, why tell him to ‘fark off’ before missing a hoop in his little boy Lakers singlet? We discover Cyrell and Nic are really just friends and Ivan didn’t think it was #friendshipatfirstsight
Cyrell tells us her ‘mouth is opinionated” and “I think how I think and talk how I talk’ and we all know that Cyrell isn’t going to change. Expert John thinks she’ll be alone forever #geethanksjohn#maybejustcalmyourtitsabitthoughdarl
Expert John: “but you said you’d savagely kill off your temper and change into someone WE liked, so why are you still cyclonic?” Cyrell, with ‘I Am Woman’ playing, responded that she’s not always cyclonic “but I don’t usually find myself surrounded by fake personalites. Take it or leave it bitches, I am who I am” #iaminvincible #kapowrighttherefolks
Both decide to LEAVE. Who is going to go mental on the fakers now? #ineedascreameronthere
Nic acknowledges he needs work on his romance and Cyrell has learned that “with love and cyclonic take-downs comes hurt”#embraceloveandthebureauofmeteorology
Cyrell also learned to apologise on command and has never loved herself more. We form a friendship circle (excluding Nic) and cry #keepsmilinkeepshinin
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK.
Ning has developed ‘feels’ and educated us on relationship cycles: “first comes friendship, then like, then feels and finally, love” We hear about #phonegate and Trish peaked about touching and wants them to shag. Both STAY #farkmakeitsoonsaidmarkthecoldshoweresarekillingme
DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AND SOON TO BE CRANKY TAMARA
We revisit Aunty Chez and Dirty Dan says he was ‘completely honest’ with a straight face.
Dan and Tam are in the ‘friendship zone’ as something’s changed since the last shag at his house. I can tell you what’s changed Tam! Insta and Dan have been licking tongues!. FAAAAAARK THEY WENT MISSING FOR AGES WAKE UP ALREADY!
Tam says she wants to be ‘doted on’ and I groaned “’you’re just being Dirty Danned on, ick!” I thought she heard me as she shrugged her shoulders, fixed herself up and readjusted herself awkwardly...but I remembered that’s just what she does #readjustmenttime #thetwitchenator
I yearn for a ‘decency maneuver’ by yelling “tell her Manbun!” but Expert John cut me off with a “Tam, have you given it a red hot go?” And I said pissily “Jesus H John, leave the girls alone. YOU WATCHED THE FUCKING DINNER PARTY LAST NIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!” #monitorsmusthavebeenontheblink
Tam and Dirty both write STAY and Insta smiled. Dan’s feeling “a bit anxious, to be honest’. #yeahyoursmirkinganxietymustbetroublesome
CARING CAM AND BIRKENSTOCK JULES
Cam put his feet up on the couch and I twitched. WTF Cam?
We hear happy music as we go gaga on Cam and Jules moving in together. #easternsuburbsbirkenstocks
CRANKY-ARSE BILLY AND CRITICAL SUSIE
Stop it already. Billy ‘wants to go down swinging’ 😂😂 We hear about the friend confrontation and Critical flashes “it takes two to tango” Billy nipped back “yeah well I’ve been tangoing by myself’ and I can’t help but think that was 109% true #soloman #dancingonmyown #tangothisyabitch
Critical is “proper hurt” and is grateful that Billy “can finally see how awful he’s been” WHAT IN ALL F*CKERY? Firstly, #properhurt wont catch on and you’ve been mean af to Billy so I’m #properhurt by you🖕
Ciritcal continued: “I wouldn’t have made you stay if I knew you were unhappy” UMMM...HE WROTE ‘LEAVE’ LAST WEEK WASN'T THAT A CLEAR INDICATION? #bloodyningnong
Billy wrote LEAVE and Critical wrote “LEAVE BABY”. Awks, how could you leave your baby, Baby, on national television Critical? Talk about mean #byebyebaby
INSTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE
Insta tells us “it’s going to be hard convincing everyone I’m genuine” #doyouthink
They agree the homestay was tolerable for Mick and Mick, explaining his neglectful behaviour at dinner, said. “I didn’t want to talk to you, I wanted to hang out with me mates” #toorightcobber #isthatwhatgenuinelookslike
Insta, seizing her opportunity thinks “hmmm, maybe I can turn this into a ‘resepct’ thing and I’ll keep using use that ‘respect’ word to make him stay. #findoutwhatitmeanstome
Here’s their convo:
Mick: everyone is sick of your fakeness ya bloody fake peacock
Cyrell, leaving but not finished: YEAH! SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH DAN!
Martha, trying to protect Insta for future Instagram collaborations: Why would she tell you that Cyrell? She hates you!
Cyrell: Why would I make that shit up? I need YOUSE all to know.
Martha: ‘Youse’ is not a word and mind your damn mofo’ing business
Me: true about ‘youse’ Kimmy, but are you mental picking at Cyrell? #rememberthefruitbowl
Insta, remembering a line she saw on TV: I don’t remember saying that your honor.
Jules: You lie! Your maths doesn’t add up! And take those ridiculous damn sausages off your lips
Martha: and why is it your business ya smug married? Why can’t she just be a cheater? #cheatersmattertoo
Mike: Insta has a sweet side but she mostly sits on a ‘throne of lies’ right next to the ‘lack of respect’ shower.
Me: Shut up Mike.
Mick showing LEAVE AGAIN: for the love of God Insta, help me.
Insta: I can’t give up without a fight and don’t want you to hate me. We need ‘respect’ *whispers to us* and how else can I see Dan’s peen if I leave?
and revealed STAY.
Emotional Mick: struth and crickey, you’re fake Insta
Insta: you think I’m fake? *whispers to us* is my mask slipping?
Mick: it’s sad that you can’t see it #unf*ckingbelievable.
Me: SHE CAN SEE MICK, OH HOW SHE CAN SEE! WALK AWAY ‘CAUSE NOBODY TRAPS MICK DUNDEE IN THE HURT LOCKER.
Insta in another chat to us: I mean, like, I’m sorry if I like hurt people...but…haahahahahah f*ck it. Dan’s peen will be worth it. #iwillfakeallyoumofos
Until tomorrow night
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