Well sit me on a throne of lies and watch me lick my lips and flick my hair on the Trash Train that isMarried At First Sight Australia episode 25.
It’s the day of the commitment ceremony: Birkenstock Jules flashes a nip at Caring Cam, Kimmy K and Manbun are hopeful for goss, Non-Ejaculating Nic - with enough walls up to be a Trump supporter - loses his porn-star moustache, Up himself Mike is still banging on about Hairy Headed Heidi being moody in her favourite orange dress, Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap tells us how he’s been playing off women since high school and Tam is surprisingly still hopeful#wtftamhewentmissingforover30minutes#whatethicsdan
Critical Susie, wearing her wedding lingerie as a top, is questioned by Jules about her time with Billy. Critical said she‘d put in the “hard yards” with Billy and is ‘so proud’ of herself for her effort#juleskeptastraightface.
Softening Ning admits she has doubts about Single Mark’s ability to provide more than plastic beer pong cups for her three children#beerpongfunforeveryone
Heavens to Betsy, struth and shiver me timbers, Mick Dundee tells us he’s had a ‘red hot crack’ at a relationship with Insta and sadly he was the ‘only one with pads on’ in the game of cricketing love#camwillbehappywiththatanalogy.#whoisbetsyanyway
Insta, licking her lips, claims she’s unsure about being deceptive to everyone…BUT the idea of Dirty Dan sweeping her off her feet motivates her enough to draw a diaphragm of her dastardly, deceptive plot #itsadiagramffs
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY
Expert John said something like….ummmm, f*rk I don’t honestly know, I was having a wee…but he soon started calling couples to the couch
UP-HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
Mike explains to the Experts that Heidi is moody and overreacts to everything. I beat my brain severely with my eyeball rolling and waited for John to savage them both for being daft twats
Expert John however, only tells Heidi to phone 1800 i-s-s-u-e-s while Mike high fives him for laying Heidi flat on the ‘you’re just gonna f*ck it up’ linoleum in the back room BOTH STAY#ummmweallknowthatmikeisatfaultheretooyeah#boysunite
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
These two are my fave couple but honestly, they need to fight or something to get some quality airtime on the couch. Their relationship is going so well that I believe the other couples love them on camera but are jealous little poo-bums in private. BOTH STAY #notanauthenticfightjustamafsfight
NON-EJACULATING NIC AND LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL.
I did so much freaking eye rolling here that I started getting dizzy. Nic is still controlling the relationship and Cyrell looks like she’d apologise profusely just for having a wee. BOTH STAY. Truth be told, I’m pumped that Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan is making another appearance next week!#remembernottoswearinfrontofthefood#askjulesforsomecontouringhelpdarl
CRITICAL SUSIE AND BILLY THE SPLENDA LIAR
Ok, first things first, GET YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES OFF THE COUCH BILLY! I’d stab people in the lung for a smaller offence.
Billy admits he’s been ‘suppressing his personality’ and I was grateful maybe more personality was there. Critical, suppressing her urge to tear Billy apart - piece by jagged piece - kept pulling crazy as f*rk faces.
We hear about the Splenda/surfing white lie and I cried out of pure annoyance. And then Critical lied too: “I had such a wonderful time at Billy’s house” Ummm, what in all f*ckery Critical? She pulled a face like she’d just been masturbating with a cheese grater and chose to STAY#andthatwoulddefinitelymakeyoupullaface
Billy, shocked that Susie might be staying just for Insta likes whimpered “but you said ‘just your face annoys me!” and wrote LEAVE. Expert John just yelled “suck it Billy Boy, you have to STAY because this is how true love works’#susieisgoingtokillyoubilly #whataboutthefacials
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
As a frequent mask wearer, Martha expressed her surprise that Manbun didn’t seem to wear any at all. I literally mumble-f*cked my whole way through the rest of their session#takeyourdamnmaskofftoomartha
DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AND SOON TO BE CRANKY TAMARA
Dan lets us know that Insta has ‘found a part of him that I haven’t with Tam’ and I yelled “yeah, you found your kindred f*rking spirit with Insta you Twat!”
Soon To Be Cranky Tam enjoyed her week and said how ‘welcoming’ Dan’s family was and how she ‘felt that warmth’ Ummm…did I miss something? Did Dan take Tam to a second family that was so lovely they got cut in editing? #wasthegabsterastandin
Tam spoke about ‘feelings’ and how ‘honest he was’ I was baffled as the only feelings Dan seems to enjoy is having his peen touched by various women. #allthefeels.
We flick to see Mick Dundee on the couch using his LEAVE wallet as a neck brace/barrier so he couldn’t catch anything from Insta#mightbeabitlateforthatdarl
We flick back as Sexpert Trish tells everyone (again) how quickly Tam had put out (wtf Trish?) and wants to know why it’s gone from being ‘open and raw to two steps back”. “I KNOW!” I yell “IT’S BECAUSE HE PUT HIS WET TONGUE INTO INSTA!”#whydoesnobodyhearme#danlovesthesausagesoninstasmouth
Dirty Dan ‘was afraid, I need to learn how to let her in” but Tam wasn’t convinced as she ‘doesn’t get anything from him”. I whispered “you have no idea how f*rking lucky you are not to get anything from him’
They both write STAY and Insta gives Dan the clap….and everyone else clapped too….
MICK AND JESS
Ok, so this is really what we were waiting for….
Insta relays how she immersed herself in the farming community by wearing Warwick Capper’s shorts and exposing her lips to the sheep.
We AGAIN hear the “your dad’s a drunk/brother is a f*ckhead/sister etc” and Mick cops a hiding from the Experts. Dundee admits the swear words were wrong and well….that was it.#imsorryforusingbackstreetswords
We all know that Mick, farts and all, has really tried and Insta, sitting on her throne of lies says that she’s ‘100%’ tried too. Mick yelled ‘pigs arse ya did ya Slapper’ and wrote LEAVE in BLOCK letters and might have started singing ‘Country Roads, Take Me Home’ #mickwouldknowtheentiresong
Insta, taking a moment said “you know, *licks her lips and adjusted her crown* he should get a chance to immerse himself in my family too”#shouldbeafunweekwiththefammick#talkaboutfloggingadeadhorsedarl
Birkenstock Jules pipes up as the voice of reason “I don’t get it hon, it doesn’t add up and you’re not telling the truth” and Insta explains how…omfg….she did the “I don’t find it easy to be vulnerable/find love blah blah” and I broke my left wrist while bitch slapping the TV.#drsbillsareonyouinsta
Mick kept mumbling things like “pigs arse/unbelievable/you’re full of shit” while expert John gave him a strait jacket to wear. Ning and Cam jump in too but Insta, invincible on her throne of lies, just sat there making her web while smirking at Dirty Dan .#iwantedtoslaphimtoobutmyhandwasalreadybroken
Kimmy K Martha, leaping to her bestie’s defence offers up “She just wants to leave on good terms, you know, without a bad taste in her mouth” and I yelled “FFS, that’s precisely what she wants in her mouth! FAAAAAAARRRRRRRRK!!!
Until tomorrow night
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