Well show me a flaccid peen and let me jump the hell off the Trash Train that is Episode 22 on Married At First Sight Australia
It’s homestay week and the men are pumped about taking the camera crews and their brides home to meet the fam...
INSTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE
They arrive at Mick’s farm and walk up the driveway as Uber’s don’t do door to door in Gympie. Insta, an experienced horn spotter, freaked out when she saw a sheep with horns and ran like a gumby in her black shiny ‘i’m on a farm everyone!’ gumboots.#whensheepattack
Insta made herself uncomfortable in Mick’s bed and we discover he exaggerates the size of things “It’s a king bed!” and Insta was all “nah i know beds, it’s a king single” #qualitytvrightthere#yourmumliedtoyoumick
Insta runs out to the balcony to discuss her initial thoughts on Mick’s farm “it’s a s***hole” and I went “pffft…mumble mumble...the Country Women’s Association are going to hunt you down, throw their handmade scones at you and run you the f*** out of town #coutnrywomensassociationontherampage
NING AND FOREVER SINGLE MARK
Ning arrives at Mark’s flat and sadly didn’t mention the child’s whiteboard in the hallway. Seriously, I have to know why it was there. Someone please explain. #isthatwhereyoudrewtheroadmark#isitforsinglemanssolitaire
We discover what it’s like to be Mark: he only plays away games when he shags, body pillows are revolutionary and kinda like using a chubby sex doll, he keeps beer pong cups to use for entertaining and he has a new found affection for white lily and bamboo candles. No offence you two, but meh…they reminisce at the wedding venue and kiss on dry land so Ning couldn’t kick water in his face again.#definitelynotonguethere #didntlookasdisgustedthistimethough
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJACULATING NIC
They arrive in Newcastle and Nic shows Cyrell that Fortnite is his favourite game. Nic brings up the war to send Cyrell into a fluster in preparation for getting an apology to his family #enoughalreadydude.
Cyrell puts on an appropriate ‘meet the family in the backyard’ white skin tight/boobs out dress, irons her hair, contours in the dark and heads off to meet Mum Cathie, stepdad, an Uncle, maybe a brother/cousin and two ladies hammering drinks in the background on the couch#auntymargejustsitonthecouchwithauntytinaandstfu.
Cyrell apologises AGAIN, the relo’s all look on sternly and good old Cathie steps up with a forgiving “that’s the best way to be sweetheart, honest” We all hug while the ladies on the couch light a ciggie, drink some more wine and heckle the cameraman#whydidntyoufilmusproperlyyouknob#wehaveopinionstoo
CRITICAL SUSIE AND NERVOUS BILLY
For the love of Christ, I just can’t do these two. Critical is still recovering from the commitment ceremony where the Experts had the audacity to tell her she was wrong: “Bunch of Backstreet Bronson’s words they are” she muttered and Billy did a little pee in his pants when she eyelash flashed him for breathing.
Susie sincerely (haha) said sorry about her behaviour by saying “yeah, umm I miss my daaawter Baby, and ummm….whatever, I’m not really sorry you’re a dweeb so there” #iamsomuchbetterthanyou#justblinkandknockyourselfoutalready
Billy wants to STILL impress Susie and takes her to his friend John’s house. John and Billy became friends while taking photos of each other and ummmm...I’m not saying a f***ing word about this. Nek minute, John has made a nude calendar of various men to raise money for Mental Health. Awesome right? Billy has his peen out in all the photos and is Mr. January, Mr. March, Mr. May, Mr. June, Mr. September, Mr. October and Mr. December.
Nervous Billy nervously says “you need to appreciate a flaccid peen” and no Billy, we really don’t #flaccidpeensmattertoo
The Dramatic Lies of Coffee Sweetener and Surfing.
Ok, Billy said he had sweetener and couldn’t find it.#dramaticlienumber1
Taking Critical to the beach for a surf - so Susie could show her arse - Billy mentions he hasn’t been surfing for months. “WHAT?” Susie yells “you told me it had been two years!” #dramaticlienumber2
Susie, finding an opening to monster Billy, boards the Tirade Express on it’s way to Rampage Town and nails him. We quickly side with Billy as, come on, who hasn’t told a little white lie – “OMG, of course I did, you probably just didn’t hear me because I was muffled in the pillow” – like that? Hmmmmm? #iveneveractuallysaidthatoneofcourse
Anyhoo... Billy, taking the green bath towel, goes off to have a little cry under a tree. Now, let’s be honest, I think we all know that Billy is a tad too gentle to be on this farked up reality show. #billydontbeahero#poorlove
Susie goes to bed after checking her Tinder matches and wakes up doing the same thing before walking out to monster Billy some more. We talk more about DRAMATIC LIES PART 1 AND 2 and we know that Susie isn’t going to let it go. Billy tries to stand up to her and whimpers “You don’t listen, you’ve been a big meanie yada yada yada” and Susie said “I’ve been nothing but fabulous to you, you bloody sooky la-la” #christimagineifyouwerebeingnastysusie#babysmomma
Then Billy, taking courage from his Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin record collection, remembered the words to Aretha’s RESPECT and tells Critical Susie to “leave” #respectfindouthwatitmeanstome#billygrewsome 👌
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
The hat couple arrive at Cam’s place and we all know from that famous saying “the couple that have the same shower heads stay together” that they’re a perfect love match.
We say hi to Cam’s parents and I get platter and champagne envy. Cam’s mum shows Jules their shrine to Cam and sits her down to show her his 4,183,212 baby photos
Cam and his Dad talk about love and while they’re distracted, I snaffle a glass of their champers and some crackers while listening to Cam tell the story about his massive hat when he declared his love for Jules. We go in for a group hug and Jules yells out “I’m up to the 1000th photo Cam and you were only 4 days old! *whispers to cameraman* please help me” #thiscouldtakeawhile#weloveoursonjulescanyoutell #crackingfam
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP HIMSELF MIKE
Ok, so we head back to the Goldy to check out Mike’s long life milk and to sample Emotional Yoga. Is someone pulling the piss, is this an actual thing or did Mike lose a bet with Mahatma Dino?#crygigglelaughandstretch #downwardtears
Mike shows Heidi around and does the “if you need anything, just let me know” hotel concierge thing and asked for a tip before taking her to his parents house. #justacoupleofbuckswouldbegreatcheers
Mike’s dad Rob knows that Mike lives on planet Mike and explains to us that Mike has “no commitments, no kids and no mortgage’ which is kinda the life that a lot of men would want” #wtfrob. Heidi impresses everyone simply for the fact that she’s stayed with Mike for this long. #areyoureallystayingwithmyson
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
Michael takes Martha to his primary school and leaves her with 4 of his students. Seizing an opportunity for goss, Martha discovers the scandalous news that Michael wears ‘shorts all the time’ and even wears a beanie. Martha isn’t sure about Manbun’s faaarshun choices and I yell “FFS, HE’S A DAMN SPORTS TEACHER YOU QUEEN DING A LING” They bounce some balls and meh… #evenicandof***ingstarjumpsmartha #ballbouncermartha
Until tomorrow night
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