Well inject my thin lips and call me Daffy, here’s the update for episode 21 for the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
The new couples move into the hotel: Critical Susie and her big arsed eyelashes hoped Nervous Billy would get stuck in an elevator shaft and Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap loves the rug in his and Amy Winehouse Tamara’s new joint#ibetyoulovealltherugsdirtydan
Dan tells us that Insta Jess was rubbing his leg under the table, and we groan as we know how f***ing messy leg rubbing under the table gets on this show #rumourrumour #donttellmartha
Insta Jess wakes up with Slapper’s Remorse: a condition unique to reality chicks when they get pissed and act, well, kinda whorey on camera. Caring Cam is fitting Birkenstock Jules with new Birkenstocks #heyjuleshowyoudoin and Kimmy K Martha, well she’s just running full pelt with the#beeotch thing by making Manbun eat his own Woolies blueberries instead of her overpriced - grown by a hippy vegan while wearing all-natural
fibres - wanker ones. #areyoukiddingmerightnow#putthembackinthefridgewithalittlesalivaonthem
The ‘boiz’ and the girls meet up separately to have a little whine: we learn that Cyrell realised LAST MINUTE she has issues, Susie replaced Anus in the Mean Girls crew with Jess and Martha and Dirty Dan mentioned that Amy Winehouse Tam wasn’t really giving him much and could be in a friend zone.
“WHAT? BUT SHE LET YOU PUT YOUR PEEN IN HER F***ING FOOFA YOU ARSEHOLE” I yelled. Fark, doesn’t that give you an indication that she actually likes you?#dirtydanismakinghismovealready#tw*twafflefromwayback
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY
Expert John said something about the halfway mark but I used his speech to just refill my wine so#whatevs #didimissanything
Here’s how it went down:
DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AND AMY WINEHOUSE TAMARA
Their first week was all romantic and Dan did the “we got intimate really quickly” and instantly made the top of my s***list. #itsnotalockerroomyoudouche
Expert Trish perked up at the mention of a shaggers festival and asked how ‘sexually compatible’ they were. Tam said “oh yeah” and Dirty Dan was all “meh, tricky situation/not sure emotional connection/ blah blah *whispers to cameraman *and I’m thinking of my peen in the sausage lips of that other chick too…fark I love being on this show” BOTH STAY
Expert John said this week will allow them to do some “deep diving” and the rug loving Dan muttered ‘f*** yeah it does” #rugman#tamalsolooksalittlelikeladygagatooyeah
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
They went flower shopping and Ning mentioned Mark wants to be deeper in ‘my skin’.#thatwasntcreepyatallning
NON-EJACULATING NIC AND LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL
Cyrell is too emotional to talk so Nic and his porn moustache runs us through the whole leg rubbing/Cyrell pushing Martha/swearing in front of the fruit/ blah blah blah. Cyrell AGAIN apologised to all concerned….and well… fark, it’s just getting a bit exhausting.
Was I wrong in thinking this was sorted at the bail bondsman’s meeting last week?
Nic is knackered from all of his emotional emotions and writes LEAVE. Cyrell wrote STAY and well, you know, they both HAVE to STAY#causethatsjusthownormalrelationshipswork
CARING CAM AND BIRKENSTOCK JULES
Ok, so the loved up couple bought pot plants, gazed adoringly at each other and there may have even been a little nip tweaking as they leaned in for a tongue touch. #wasthereaniptweakjules
MAHATMA DEANO AND MANIC JULIA MORRIS MEL
Ok, so Mahatma Dino apologised and we had to live through the whole “you recorded me you creepy mother***ing elephant loving, downward dog stretching, flower loving hippy” episode again for drama llama.
Ole Manic Mel threw in the whole ‘you are acting like I slept with your best friend and killed your dog” and Expert John had enough: “for the love of Christ, will you two STFU and just tell us all what you’re doing because this s*** has to stop” #craycray
Mel of course decided to LEAVE and Mahatma (doing some deep breathing exercises in his anal cleansing lotus flower position) also decided to LEAVE. BUT not before he read out a poem he prepared earlier:
“There once was a girl named Mel
who didn’t take getting recorded by me very well
I tried to placate her
So the next guy who dates
Will get to slam her like, ummm… really well”
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP HIMSELF MIKE
Heidi again accepts responsibility for everything that ever went wrong and Mike and Expert John readily agree. They’re both STAYING#anothershoulderholdbymike #wtfisupwiththat
MANBUN MICHAEL AND KIMMY K MARTHA
Martha needs Michael to take the lead - but only if that means she can still hold his testicles in her icy, unforgiving, expensive blueberry stained hands#theyresogoodforyourskinyouknow#instacoupleposts
BOTH ARE STAYING
CRITICAL SUSIE AND NERVOUS BILLY
OK, so Susie forgets that Billy is not in fact her baby, Baby. #seriouslywhotfcallstheirkidthat
Aside from saying things to Billy like “let me talk darling/you’re a f***ing sook/use your big boy words/you’re too small/you have no balls/you’re strange/man up/you’re weird/stop f***ing staring at me etc…” it would seem that she quite likes the idea of having a real life punching bag like Billy to play with, which is sweet. #kapow#domyboobslookokwhenisaythis
I yelled “tell her to f*** off Billy” and thankfully, Expert John heard me. “STFU Susie, you and your obnoxious toxic mouth are just doing my head in” which, you know was #fair #whatwouldbronsonsay.
Expert John starting using his big boy words ‘what are you contributing in this relationship?” and I threw some popcorn at the TV and yelled “farking nothing John, tear her apart” and Susie whispered to the ACA Camerman “get f***ed, I don’t think I’m better than this little twerp, I KNOW I’m better. I’m just going to stay as I need to meet a footballer and get some more followers on Insta” Both are STAYING and even Expert John was like #wtfcriticalsusie#whyonearthwouldyoutwostay
INSTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE
Ooooh, it’s going to be on like Donkey Kong on CRACK!
Mick Dundee had to sit higher on the couch as his balls started to grow every time he spoke. Mick was all “I get nothing from her/I’m miserable/the sexual predator thing was f***ed and then he went on to explain that Insta was the common denominator in all the s***ty gossip.
‘You tell her Mick!’ I yelled ‘At the next B & S Ball you are going to get absolutely freaking polished!” #countrywomensassociationpinupman
Then Mick piped up about the Slapper incident from last night and I got excited as I had the whole next scene worked out: he was going to call her out about trying to rub Dirty Dan’s third leg under the table, Nic would jump in with “she tried me first’, Cyrell would release the beast and go funky town on Insta’s arse, the Experts would scream for security and I’d be yelling too while my husband tried to restrain me with a ‘calm the f*** down, you psychopath” Ahhh, it would have been gold. #donttellmetocalmdownthisisgold
Alas... Mick just did a casual mention about Dirty Dan and Insta said “yeah, he is attractive but you shut me out” and I was like WHAT IN ALL F***ERY? WHERE IS MY GOD DAMNED DRAMA?” Mick gave Insta a little b***h slap by saying he ‘deserved better’ than her but…meh….can’t say I’ve ever been happy without a real climax.
Mick wrote LEAVE and Insta, still keen to get it on with Dirty Dan and increase her followers, licked her sausage lips and wrote STAY. #takethesausagesoffyourlipsitsnotaf***ingbbq
Until tomorrow night
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