Slow the hell down Married At First Sight Australia you’re freaking killing me right now.
We wake up to a morning of no Anus Ines, no Backstreet Bronson, no Expressive Lizzie and no Tw*twaffle in a Douche Canoe Tradie-Sam. I held hands with my hubby and cried a river of tears as the their rooms were empty, the beds weren’t slept in and their wedding photos were all forlorn and…Oh for the love of God, just piss off and get on with it.
Haahaa, the remaining “OMG, there’s only like 7 couples left” are floundering: Caring Cam is just exhausted as he hasn’t had this much drama since he missed out on being first batter in Milo cricket, Insta Jess was all “just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you can swap”, Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike gave Cyrell a thumbs up, Martha gave Cyrell a thumbs up and Non-ejaculating Nic’s upset with Cyrell’s ‘King Dingaling’ reaction. I mean, who doesn’t want the drama of a cyclone hitting ALL F***ING TIME?#ibetthatsoundbitewillhauntyouinstajess
Ooooh, shut up you bunch of smug married people – you’re all so freaking yesterday - we have new blood and the Experts are PUMPED!
For the “first ever time” the Experts are “raising the stakes” (oooh, one’s a vampire, cool) in a “world first” and are putting INTRUDERS in which…you know…meh. It just means that I have to sit through another two nights of freaking weddings and honeymoons before I can get to the dinner party for another cheating scandal to break out #whatmeacynicnever#doyoureallyreallyreallythink
Susie and Billy
Susie – ok, so I can’t quite get a nickname for Susie yet, but at a push I’m going with SUSIE OF THE HUGE EFFING EYELASHES. I mean come on, how do you even wink without punching yourself in the head? Anywho... Susie is a single mum with a daaaawter and I, for one, think it’s awesome Susie loved Dirty Dancing enough to call her actual baby, Baby. This will never get old for me. #nobodyleavesbabyinacornerunlesshesasleepinhercot#whatdidyoucallyourbabybabywhat
Susie is matched up with 28 year old Billy. Billy is a Barista/PT and he’s just a nervous version of Matt the Virgin without (fingers crossed) being an actual virgin. Billy is lonely, a hopeless romantic and is close to his Mum who he awkwardly Facetimes for our benefit. #heymumdontmindthecameras
The Experts feel these two will be a fascinating car-crash (‘match’ damn you auto correct)
DAN AND TAMARA
Tamara is a 29 year old who wants it all: children, a family and a tall guy with ‘muscles and tatts’ and of course a ‘pleasant personality’ was maybe mentioned too. Tamara has a tragic back-story and I thought “bloody hell, I have to wait another night to give her one of my arsehole nicknames #cantdoit #herdadseemstooniceformetoslagoffhisdaughter
Dan is a 35 year old single father and has either shares or owns the company he works for as the freaking logo was burned into my eyeballs. Dan is a sensitive guy as he nearly cried in front of the camera about *sniff sniff* how much he’ll miss his *sniff sniff* son #omgheislikemywholeuniverse#didyougetthatordoyouwantmetoshootitagain
THE WEDDING DAY
OK, so we see Nervous Billy getting ready and he’s ummm nervous…How nervous you ask? So nervous that he looks like he’s blown two holes in his undies…I mean who the fark wears holy undies on their wedding day? Billy has also never been to a wedding and for some reason that particular tidbit bothered me the most #notevengreatauntymargeswedding
Meanwhile Susie tells us she has a Hungarian background as her way of future proofing her father’s behaviour. Hungarian Dad Steve is convinced he has an ability to read people within five minutes and we all flash back to Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan and Insta’s Brother etc…and groan. #notanotherf***ingannoyingrelative #imightbehungariantoo
Susie’s eyelashes arrive by Billy’s side 2.3 seconds before the rest of her and it seems like we’re off to a good start. Billy reads out his ‘Mills & Boon Guide to Marriage vows” and Susie was all “faaark, he’s smitten and in love with me #ohf***herewegoagain #sohotrightnow #didyouseemewinkorno
At the reception, Susie, after being offered a “sav” and then a “Sav Blanc” politely declined and decided to just stick with white wine #socultured#areyouevenalittlebitaussie
Susie necked her wine and was all “this little bitch I married better harden up or I’ll be leaving HIS BABY ARSE in the corner” Susie and her eyelashes jumped up to go and bitch about Nervous Billy and Hungarian Steve cruised on in like a ummmm…Scottish/Hungarian missile to give Billy a hard time.
Here’s the convo
Hungarian Steve: You’re soft and my daughter doesn’t like you
Billy: Ummmm, hi my name is Bil..
Hungarian Steve: No. You visten. She vill take you but she vill eat you alive.
Billy: ummm, yeah but I’m a strong independ…
Hungarian Steve: NO. You are not. I hear no f***ing roar. You need to play a game to keep my baby and my baby’s Baby. You know.
Billy: Ummm. What?
Hungarian Steve: She has a baby called Baby. You know. My baby has a baby. A little baby called Baby. You know?
Billy: ummm, ok. No I didn’t know. Good talk Dad…
Hungarian Steve: I VILL F**ING KILL YOU IF YOU CALL ME DAD. Ok SON? OK? So, you treat my daughter like s*** and ignore her. She will like you. Hey, I like you now too
Back at the honeymoon suite Billy is nervous af and actually puts a pillow in-between them to shield his peen from her foofa. #cuddlepillowseverywhere#praysusieseyelashesdontattackbillyboy #samesamenodifferent
DAN AND TAMARA
Backstreet Bronson organised for the Sydney branch of his party boat business to provide a reception venue which was nice #cheersbackstreet. Dan of the White Teeth and his groomsmen arrive on time and much ado is made about Tamara’s wedding car being broken down OMG, JUST GET A F**ING UBER ALREADY! Pffft!
These two are all sweet and shared a bland af kiss. During the photos they pashed and that’s as exciting as it got. He likes her, she likes him. They trot off to the reception where Dan learns about Tamara’s mum passing away and we all got #chanel (that’s short for ‘emotional’ my hubby thinks he’s hilarious when he says that). Dan even said that he “felt a lot of love for her” when her Dad was doing a toast and I was all #omgsamedudesame
They arrive back to their hotel suite and Dan has ‘strong feelings’ in his pants and could really go some ‘hanky panky’ which was a really sweet and caring thing to share. Tamara puts on her pj’s from the sexy section at Myer, tells us she’s not putting out and the lights go out and…I heard a noise. #maybetheacacameramanwillshowustomorrow
Until tomorrow night
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Image supplied by Nine