Holy shitballs Batman, the Trash Train has come to it’s final destination with episode 41 of Married At First Sight Australia
We all sit in a friendship circle singing Kumbaya and get ready to phone 1800 I-S-S-U-E-S as the lies dismantle right in front of my wine loving eyes. Expert John tells us there was ‘major highs, real love stories, heartbreak and disappointment’ and I yelled “WHY DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN FARKING WATCHING JOHN?” #notfortheloveforthedramadarl
We learn immediately that Twatwaffle in a Douche Canoe Sam has decided to not come as a) he has a shaving rash on his delicate face and b) he knows he’ll probably get shanked by Expressive Lizzie’s highly sharpened left pinkie nail #lostopportunitylizzie
We relive some of the weddings and I may (or may not) have had a little bit of water well up in my eye-ball. What in all fuckery has happened to this hardened, cold, black heart of mine?
Expert John questioned a few on their first thoughts and I was like “stfu john, let’s move on so I can see shit get exposed #movingonjohn Expert John clearly heard me and called the first couple up to the couch
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP HIMSELF MIKE
In case you forgot last night already and don’t read shitty tabloids, these two have broken up and Mike is dating some Instagrammers grand-daughter. Sooooo….
Anywho, they’re on the couch and are incredibly sad they couldn’t make it work yada yada yada. We recap on some of Mike’s best bits: a) his dad, The Bobby Dazzler and b) his arse at the window. Then we switch straight to Mike’s bad bits a)the ‘I’m not your therapist’ scene and b) the ‘I’ll try and fall in love with you’ scene.
Heidi tells Mike “thanks for being my husband/ I don’t regret anything blah blah”. Mike was almost ‘too sad to talk’ but realized he’d never get onto Home and Away if he didn’t continue “we just got so close but *sniff sniff* it’s just not going to work but I do love her. I’m thankful for that” #didthatsoundgoodguys.
NON-EJACULATING NIC AND LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL (CYCLONE FOR SHORT)
We hear Nic trot out the whole “when we were good we were very good….bad…” and I feel like I’ve heard the 2,143 times this season.
We deviate from the couple’s memories and focus on all the times Cyrell has given us a chuckle: waxing Nic’s arse, the dog arse, wearing a maid outfit, her family saying ‘don’t swear in front of the food’, the King Ding a Ling, ‘she want’s to f*ck your husband’ and Kimmy K in the mask. Cyrell, loving it, said “I’m proud of myself I SPEAK THE TRUTH!” #goyoucyclone
John asked if she had any regrets about Kimmy K last night and the whole wine spillage and Cyrell was “nah, no regrets here” and Kimmy said “you’re a child, you’re a baby” and Cyrell, throwing shade said “that from a woman who threw wine yesterday, ya sanitary pad dress wearer’ #cyrellonekimmynon
EXPRESSIVE LIZZIE AND A VACANT SAM
Weighed down in Goldmark, Lizzie was able to lay as much shit on Sam as he rightly deserved: “he never owns up to anything/done a runner etc…” and An*s whispered “she’s right’
We flash back to all the times Sam has been an arsehole: the big girl/Nutella moments and Lizzie was all “he’s disgaaarsting/commenting on my weight/omg who runs the world? GIRLS!/I am appalled…It’s men like him disgaaarsting…disgaaarsting….”
And Mike said “I want to say something” and before I could gaffa tape his mouth he said “I can’t let you talk about my mate like that. I love him and he’s a sweet gentle soul…” #besties
We then go to the Sam and An*s Ines private screening room where we see the flirting and the mismatched knickers the morning after. Everyone was shocked. HOW’S THE F*CKING APPLES NOW MIKE HMMMM?
Expert John invited An*s to the couch. An*s was all ‘it’s so conflicting’ as she didn’t realise Lizzie would feel bad when she stole her husband. #doyouthinkanus It should have really been ok because she had strong feelings and thought they’d last…but of course Sam moved on, shaved and has now gone into witness protection #shutupanus
Bronson admitted he’s pissed off with Sam and actually feels sorry for The An*s. I mean, am I the only farking person that thinks she shouldn’t be getting any sympathy here? #wtfpeople
Anus goes on to apologise to Lizzie for sacrificing her for her own happiness. ‘I’m heavily flawed but he blocked me and told me I was batshit crazy! *sniffle sniffle* it’s hard because I fell for someone after and it’s devastating. I knew him for at least a week” ‘well cry me a god damned river Anus ffs’ I muttered under my breath.
Before Expert John could finish asking Mike how “he felt now?” I did a wee as I was SOOOOOO done with this conversation.
I came back in as Jules was dishing out a nice sounding back hander: “You haven’t changed Anus, you’ve always been crap and you’re still crap but Sam…what about him?” #yourestillananusanus
Anus and Lizzie held hands and danced in the friendship circle while everyone else was all “wow, Sam’s a dickwad isn’t he?” #shouldhavecomealonewithyournonpubesfacesam
EXPERT MEL whines about the lack of ‘sisterhood’ and Insta explains that the ‘oldies think us youngsters are fake’ and I’m not sure why but hearing Insta say ‘fake’ gets me annoyed every time. Jules tells her to nicely ‘piss off ya screamer’ and Kimmy K banged on as it’s more ‘about social media, like baaaabe, we’re from, like, totally different worlds”.Jules, along with Mel and Heidi shut them down.
Anus mentions “I only have, like, three friends’ and Manic Mel and Mick Dundee were all WHAT IN ACTUAL F*CK? #ilovehowexpressivemanicmelis
Mike, wanting to use this sound bite as his audition tape for his spot on Neighbours, mentions that ‘women don’t cope under pressure/dynamics/biology’ and I yelled “oh f*ck off Mike, you know nothing of our kind” #itmustbehardbeingthebesttheremike#whatsitlikeupthereonyourfarkinghorsemike
THE MOST CONTROVEEERRSSSHAL COUPLE – DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AND INSTA JESS
Dirty and Insta (after putting down her maracas) sit on the couch and explain how ‘great, I’m really happy heehehehehe’ they are. Insta tells us that Dan’s a ‘good father’ and WHAT? SHE HASN’T MET HIS KID OR SEEN DAN IN 6 WEEKS? WHAT IN ALL F*CKERY IS GOING ON HERE? #soyouliedlastnightyadingaling
Insta explains they ‘facetime and send nude shots of each other all day and nuffinks changed!” and Expert John, desperately wanting to fuck them over shows their sneaky little cheating journey. We see the snack/meal/sneaking around/and the awkward pash outside the dinner party. Amy Winehouse Tam and Mick Dundee heckle from the sidelines: “disgusted to be in the experiment. You’re taking the piss” #onyamick#getitonwithtamdarl
Dirty feels bad for letting people down and Insta, smiling, said “aww, I wish their wasn’t deception but f*ck it, I’m happy haahaahaah and yes, I wrote STAY so I could be with Dan. F*ck Mick haahahaha” The hecklers heckled, the crowd gasped and Expert John questions whether they’ll ever be able to trust each other. #oooohgoodquestiontherejohnny
THEN THE BOMBSHELL FINALLY F*CKING WENT OFF!
Expert John pretended he didn’t know about Insta hitting on Nic: “so let’s just have a look shall we?” and Dundee told Dirty he was the third rung on the ladder. #oooohburn
We watch the video and clearly see Insta hitting on Nic. DAN LOOKS PISSED. On the video, Nic shuts Insta down and Cyrell puts down the knife she had at his throat. Everyone claps at Nic and Dundee mumbles “stone the flamin’ crows, if that’s not here for the wrong reason….” And Cyrell, with the clanger of the night pipes up with
“YOU’RE LEGS ARE LIKE 711, THEY’RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS 24/7”
#holyshitballs And can I just say, where the hell was this saying when I was trying to throw shade at Mandy Johnson in High School (name changed to protect the mole)???
Insta tells everyone it’s bullshit and everyone started chanting to Nic “tell us the truth, tell us the truth” and Nic finally admitted “ok yeah I felt like she was hitting on me 100%” The crowd roared and threw Nic up on there shoulders and did a quick parade while throwing confetti and crowning him ‘the 711 slayer’ #maybe711isclosedforarevamp
Dirty was feeling hurt but Insta made him feel better by saying “but baaabe, I’d only met you an hour before! far out, peace love and mungbeans people!” Dirty gets over it eventually as I’ve seen the two of them frolicking around in the tabloids so whatevs…#thedailymailneverlies
Expert John tells them they have a lot to discuss and spits ‘now, get the fark off my couch, we need to end on a high note’ #karmaisaf*ckingbitchisntit
CARING CAM AND BIRKENSTOCK JULES
Awwwww, we relive the ‘fairytale’ of the wedding vows and the producers try their best at getting me to have a sooky la-la. We all got emotional when Cam explained how stunning Jules looked and ‘how everything was shut out’ when he saw her. #awstopit #slowdownyourehurtingmecam#wearetheworldwearethechildren #wearetheonesthatmakeabrighterday
We’re reminded that Heidi and Mel will be bridesmaids at the wedding and hopefully Jules will be preggers within 12 months. Jules invites the experts to the wedding and WHERE’S MY F*CKING INVITE JULES HMMMMM? #nicewaytofinsih
And we’re done now it’s up to:
EXPERT FI TO FINISH THE SHOW (I stood in for John at the end)
So that’s the end of the Trash Train for this season of MAFS. Some of you have enjoyed reading this and some of you have just said “Jesus, that chick who writes this crap is such a bitch” but…you should all take what you can get from it. There is an opportunity for you all to get some insight from the Trash Train: you should learn that not all injectables are good injectables, not all photos belong on Instagram and not all fake weddings should be taken seriously.
Oh yeah, and like my page if you haven’t already
Until the next show
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