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MAFS - The Rock Star Mum Review ep 40

 

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TOOT TOOT!

Well tweak my nipples like a pervy expert while I sit in a quiet room and watch the Trash Train that is Episode 40 of Married At First Sight Australia

We open to a drawn out montage of everyone we’ve forgotten about this season. Here’s a reminder: Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike, Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam, Softening Ning and Tolerant Mark, Insta Jess and Mick Dundee, Kimmy K Martha and Manbun Michael, Anus Ines and Backstreet Bronson, Mahatma Dino and Manic Mel, Expressive Lizzie and Twatwaffle in a Douche Canoe Sam, Lusty Lauren and Matt the Virgin, Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister/Cyclone Cyrell and Non-ejaculating Nic, Critical Susie and Nervous Billy and Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap and Amy Winehouse Tamara. #farkthatwasatripdownmemorylane

THE ARRIVALS – THE EXPERTS ARE PUMPED AND TWEAKING
Cam and Jules arrive as I sit patiently waiting for the first bit of drama llama furiously sipping my wine. Manic Mel adds a bit of colour with her Count Dracula laugh and Cyrell charges in rapping some Eminem:

“So this looks like a job for me
so everybody just follow me
‘Cause we need a little controversy 
‘Cause it feels so empty without me” #nicerapcyrell#wehavemissedthedramacyrell

I shook my pom-poms while doing a nude cartwheel in anticipation of things to come. I quickly sat down when Sam arrived sans facial pubes *mental note to self: book in for more laser of the foofa* Nervous Billy awkwardly yells “CHAMPAGNE CAMPAIGN” and I raised my glass in a silent prayer that he survives the night #cheersbillyboy#maintenanceforthefoofa

The Experts mumbled something like “tonight everyone will be held accountable” and I mumbled ‘why would you farking start now? Hmmmm?’ Lizzie, weighed down with her solid gold jewelry collection, ignored Sam and headed straight for Ning and Cyrell #gang1. Kimmy K and Manbun walk in and Cyrell laughs “the BOTOX has arrived!”. Just quietly, I wanted to pull Kimmy’s hair when she told Billy to “just air-kiss me, don’t touch the face” too #cyrellwantstotouchyourfacekimmy.

Kimmy K imposed a life ban on Manbun from communicating with Cyrell and promptly placed his testicles in her parent-paid for handbag. #babebabebabebabebabestoptalkingtoher. I then put a self-imposed ban on Critical Susie and yelled “STFU Critical, I’m not talking to you tonight” as Mike and Heidi arrived separately after breaking up

AND UMMM...WHY THE FARK IS EVERYONE SHOCKED? HAS THERE BEEN NO COMMUNICATION AT ALL? DID THEY ALL LOSE SIGNAL ON THEIR PHONES FOR THE LAST 6 WEEKS? #farktelstragetittogether

Ning is tonguing for Mark to arrive and, if he’s grown a full beard, it means he’s keen. He did and is by the looks of it. #itjustmeansafoofarashwhenmyhubbygrowsone

Anus arrived in a sliver of red pizza box and Insta walked in making the Mean Girl/Plastic Fantastic gang complete #babebabebabe #gang2 Kimmy tells her clan: “I came in here thinking I’d be civil but they’re rancid trash, so yeah nah” #ohnoyoudidnt #asifyoudid

Cam tells everyone about his engagement and they’re all surprised. AGAIN, WHERE’S THE SIGNAL TELSTRA FFS? Manic Mel is so excited and after 8 years of not shagging, I’m a little nervous she’s might accidentally peak. #ahhhhhhhhhhoopsadaisy

SVINNER IS SWEEERRRVED…

Tick tock bitches.

Insta announced she’s moving to the Goldy and jokes she might be pregnant. Critical Susie sniffed her wine before CHECKING HER TEETH IN HER FARKING KNIFE AGAIN! #wtf Lizzie looks sad, Tam necks her wine and questioned Sam to try and make Lizzie feel better. Lizzie tells us “he’s a fucking liar” #weknowdarlweknow

The Plastic Fantastic/Mean Girls continue along Bitchy Street (population 3) and I’m pretty sure it’ll be a gang fight with pink bandanas on one side and the Bureau of Meteorology reps on the other. Cyrell tried to talk to Manbun and Kimmy was all ‘I’ll gouge her eyes out” and Insta bitched back: “all she does is bark bark bark and she looks like a smashed crab, who cares” and…well…you know…I might have yelled a few nasty arsed things at the screen. #instaisonmyshitlist #takeyoursausagesoffyourlipsffs

Heidi and Mike explain their (YAWN) break-up and Mike still wears his wedding ring “out of habit”. OMFG, IT’S BEEN 6 WEEKS AND IT WASN’T A REAL WEDDING! AM I MISSING SOMETHING? Heidi tells us she’s fine and necks her wine #yeahnahyouarenotfinedarl

Insta and Kimmy have an in-depth conversation about which designers they’ll wear tomorrow and boast how their parents pay for their lives: Kimmy: “yeah, I don’t even have a job and my parents are still supporting me” Not to be outdone Insta replied “My daddy says do you need $5000? And I’m like, yes daddy” 
STOP TALKING RIGHT TF NOW #iamwearingcottononundies#internaldesignersneeded

Hearing dissent from the other end of the table, Insta was all “ooooh, Martha look! She’s just devastated that I took her husband heehehhe… *talking louder* nobody wants you. I’m the foofa with the cream. Who knew taking someone’s husband could be so controverrrshall?” #itscontroversialyoudickhead #talkproperlyffs

Cyrell, trying to reach the top buttons to make this trash train elevator go Willy Wonka final scene, says loudly “everyone has made a mockery/my hoohaa is bored/I might just jump on your husband!” Lizzie tried to engage Sam, Sam was all “fuck off” so Lizzie turned on Insta about betraying Mick. Insta, after seeing a UFC fight with Dan earlier in the week whispered “I wanna go down there and lose my shit” Kimmy K was all “aww baaaabe, no it would look trashy” STFU KIMMY, LET HER BE TRASHY #getonwithit

It’s coming Motherpluckers!

Cyrell yelled about “falling in love in a week” and Nervous Billy tried to get involved by saying “articulate girls” #shhhhbilly Manbun, with Kimmy’s hand up his bum in a ventriloquist maneuver said “it’s like talking to a child”

EHMERRRGERRRRD, bring it bitches!

Cyrell turned on Manbun “who you calling a child? You condone cheating/Martha knew/YOU HAVE NO BALLS/use them on her, ya dweeb blah blah” Kimmy K tells us she’s “getting up and I’m going to pour my drink on her” and a producer started chanting “do it do it do it”. I’m embarrassed to say it but I joined in simply for the fun of it. #oooohhereitcomes #doi

THEN KIMMY POURED HER F*CKING DRINK ON CYRELL!

Kimmy legged it for fear of being glassed and Cyrell threw her red drink on Kimmy before being crashtackled to the ground #notreallybutsoundedcool
The Experts tweaked their nipples in excitement while saying “oooh, what have we seen tonight?” #ohthatfeelsgood

Kimmy K, pretending to be remorseful, tells Manbun it happened because he was “the weakest link”. Kimmy is embarrassed about her trashiness and how she “scummed down to her level and needs to apologise” #rattledbutok #youlooklikeasanitarypad

Kimmy meets up with Cyrell and here’s their convo:

Kimmy: you made me do it. I’m embarrassed that you needed a reaction

Cyrell: shut up ya mole

Kimmy: you’re really raw and I’m just here to fake apologise ok?

Cyrell: you hurt my feelings

Kimmy: Waaah waaaahhhh my feelings were hurt too! You pushed my buttons.

Cyrell: Fuck yeah I was pushing them….let me say, Kimmy K, you’re as fake as your nose, lip and boob job. It’s a shame you couldn’t find a plastic surgeon to fix your personality because that’s what’s the fakest the most.... And your fake arse sorry means nothing to me. You look like a walking, talking, period-pad with your red back and your white front. #getitdonecyrell #lovedit #notverbatimbutsamesamenodifferent

Mike got some wine ‘frag’ on him and for some reason, hearing him say ‘frag’ gave me a cold shiver. Jules and Cam save the day when Jules makes a speech and nominates Heidi and Manic Mel to be bridesmaids at her REAL wedding. #betyourbffsathomewillhavesomethingtosayaboutthat.

Twatwaffle Sam mentioned the “estrogen in the air” and I slapped his freshly shaved face. Sam thinks the drama was about him and Anus, knowing it was her turn to show a little cray-cray for the Mean Girls, decides to tipsily try and f*ck Sam over. 
In conversation, Sam tells Anus they’ll ‘be fine at the reunion’ and is too dopey to realise Anus is about to lose her fazishle at him.

Anus bangs on about Sam messaging her - I yelled IT WAS SIX WEEKS AGO AND ONE FARKING SHAG! STOP IT AN*S” and An*s, in a weird Eddie Murphy’s drunken father style slurred “I’m a strong independent woman, I pay my bills, these are MY shoes Motherf*cker! Kiss my ass if you don’t like it! I’m drunk, so what! I’m a strong independent woman. YOU LIAR! PIECE OF SCUM!” before Insta pulled her away #wtfwasthatanus

Anus had a little *sniff sniff and Expert John started looking aroused about holding everyone hostage in the Reunion room tomorrow night. I told him “calm the farm there Johnny boy, the only one holding everyone accountable will be Cyrell” #youjustsittheretweakingdarl

Mick Dundee tells Cyrell he wants to go “charging on horseback with her against all the ‘beep beeps’” #twomanarmy and they do a fist bump because a chest bump would have crushed his peen. #onatrainboundfornowhere

Insta, knowing it was time for her performance, sits with Nic and does that teeth thing she does when she’s drunk and swings her hair at Nic “you know baaaaaabe, I feel so sorry that you ever had to be with Cyrell. You’re a nice beautiful kind soul who deserves so much better”#baaaabe

Mick, helping Cyrell dismount from her horse, asks is she knew about that time Insta hit on her Hubster. Apparently Mick JUST found out a few weeks ago (AS HIS F*CKING TELSTRA PHONE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT HAD SIGNAL) , and Cyclone Cyrell went silent with her evil plans for tomorrow night “I AM FUMIN’…I could f*ck her up right here but I’ll wait until tomorrow as they’ve asked me to make the reunion show dramatic and let’s be honest….‘cause it feels so empty without me” #karmaisabitch

Until the reunion tomorrow night!

Fi xx 
#mafs

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