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The Trash Train is drunkenly heading towards the final stop and I couldn’t be happier... Here’s ep 36 of Married At First Sight Australia
Let’s face it, the show has been a little ‘ho-hum’ since the main slayers left. I pine for a little drama and watched this from Bali for the promise of drama, so deliver it to me FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Kimmy K is nervous Manbun Michael is going to f*** up her eyelashes and Manbun, dressed as an unshaved pirate, crushed it. Birkenstock Jules is wearing her contra bracelet, Tolerant Mark is feeling rejected after rejecting Softening Ning in the sack, Insta Jess is is talking tough about “Me and Dan” and I yelled “IT’S DAN AND I FFS!”, Hairy Headed Heidi was still blaming herself for not enjoying the boat ride WHICH MADE HER SICK while Mike was proud of her for taking full responsibility for everything that’s ever gone wrong #milkitlessmike #pinkisnotyourcolourinsta
THE DINNER PARTY ARRIVALS
Expert John spoke, and like Pavlov’s dog, I felt a sudden desire to wee and fill my wine. Jules and Cam/Kimmy K and Manbun did the Trish style sex interrogation on Softening Ning and Mark. #leavethemthehellalonealreadyyabunchoftrishs. Mike and Heidi arrive and Mike explains how Heidi has finally accepted responsibility for everything that’s gone wrong since the birth of Christ
The Experts tell us that allowing Insta and Dirty Dan to stay in the experiment was their way of not interfering. #butyoudidinterfereyouknobs. Ning and Jules tell us the Experts were d***heads for allowing them to stay and I now want them both to come over for wines at mine #wannaplaydatechicks
Insta doesn’t give ‘a crap’ about everyone else’s opinion and whispers “thank fark Cyrell isn’t here”. They arrive and Ning gives Insta the type of hug you’d give your old Aunty Mary: you know, the one that farts and squeezes your cheeks as if you were still a chubby little four year old. #pissoffauntymary
Dan tells us how cool it is that they’re still on MAFS. I yelled “IT’S NOT GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND AT FIRST SIGHT YOU D***WAD, GET OFF MY DAMN SCREEN RTF NOW” they smooched in front of everyone and Ning rolled her eyes as dramatically as me while Heidi felt sorry for poor Mick, alone on the farm cuddling his sheep #hesprobablynotheids
Finally the guy with the made-up accent yelled “Vadies and Ventlemen, Zinner is swerved
THE FINAL DINNER PARTY
Insta, misreading silence as acceptance, made a toast “Fanks for axcepting us, we’re really grateful there’s no egg boy in the room” Ning was all “oh just fark off already”. Dirty explained he was keen for Insta to meet his son: after all, he’s seen her on facetime, bobbing her head in the background (because she’s a giddy bobblehead - get your heads out of the gutter where mine is). Then Insta dropped the bombshell about moving to the Goldy as the flights are too expensive and mentioned they had started dating 3 WEEKS PRIOR…
Ning, summoning her inner Cyrell, yelled “you suck” and Jules jumped in with a “3 weeks ago? WTF?” Caring Cam chimed in with a “so you just stayed around to f*** Mick over and play a live game of tinder?” I high-fived Cam and said “YES YES YES!” while Kimmy K, seeing an opportunity to rankle my BFF’s smirked “you guys are just so f***ing righteous. Get over it” #stirthepotanyharderkimmyandyoullmakesoup #leavemychicksalone
Mark and Heidi ran down to Cam and Jules so Martha and Insta returned serve by scuttling off to chat too. “B**** TELL ME EVERYTHING!” hissed Kimmy and Insta was all “OMG , we’ve even had day sex with the curtains open and everythink…it’s like, love and everyfink” #twueloverighthere#daytimesexforeveryone
I yawned while Heidi explained how everything was her fault and Mike clapped his approval. Now listen, I refuse to bang on too much about these two... Mike went on a punishment walk, Heidi fell back into line and Mike forgave her by admitting to us “maybe I’ve been at fault…like 0.0005%” #pleasebethefirstinthefinalvowssoidonthavetowatchyouagain
Expert John walked in and I successfully resisted my urge to wee…but I did refill the red. In keeping with the public humiliation of this ‘experiment’ he gave out the HONESTY BOXES for each couple to do in front of everyone #pleasebeexciting
CAM AND JULES
It can only be good news. They asked each other about children, Jules joked about already being up the duff and touched on Caring Cam’s need to please. Cam is Jules’ ‘guy’ and I thought “ohhh, that’s right, this show is supposed to be about nice stuff likes this #isthiswhattheshowisaboutactualcouples #surelyyoujest
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
Appropriately, the Experts give ‘Kimmy K of the broken nail’ a question about her being 100% genuine to Manbun, the disheveled pirate. Manbun said “yeah” and I rolled my eyes with enough force to slap my brain again. They talked about “concerns” and Kimmy said “I sometimes believe you don’t want to live a true Kardashian lifestyle…that’s what I truly want for my life. #kimmykwantstobetheactualkimmyk #manbunlooksnothinglikekanye
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
We discover Ning would move to Melbourne if she was in love and Mark explained his definition of love as (something like) “to be vulnerable and honest, not changing yourself, acceptance, honesty….” And I decided right then and there that Mark should probably join the Bobbly Dazzler as an Expert next season
INSTA JESS AND DIRTY DAN DONE DIRTY CHEAP
Kimmy K yelled “you’ve got this!” and I yelled “STFU Kimmy…no one listens to you” and here’s their honesty box convo
Insta ‘arksed’: Do you believe I’m genuine?
Dirty: Ummm, yeah. You can’t fake giddiness and I’m a good judge of character *whispers* and the peen likes you sooooo……
Insta: arks me a free question
Dirty: how serious are you?
Insta: I’m definitely in love with you
Dan puckering his sphincter: That’s nice…
Insta: do you love me?
Dan, swallowing:…ummmm…ummmmmm….fark the roof needs painting…ummmmm I fink I do…yeah…I do
EVERYONE ELSE: WTF?
UP HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
Mike asked Heidi if he’d been a good husband and Heidi, thinking out loud said “ummm, yeah, aside from planning dates I hate, telling me I’m at fault for everything…sure. I’m crap and have given up being a whole person who believes in myself. Do you have any concerns about us? Mike answered “nah, I just agree that everything is your fault blah blah” #farkingenoughalready
Insta giggled and Mike asked if she thought it was funny. Here’s their Barney Rubble:
Insta: “i fink you’re a pig”
Me: where the fark is Cyrell when you need her.
Jules: STFU Insta, you experiment abusing, disrespectful, little tw*tty tw*t”
Insta/Kimmy/Mike/Jules: a mix of blah blah/shock/awe/more blah and Jules tops out with: There’s a divide…well you’ve got girls and you’ve got women. That’s a fact.
Insta and Kimmy: I BEG YOUR PARDON? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Jules: you’re both just s***bags.
Me: I LOVE YOU JULES!
Manbun, jabbing his pirate sword at the table: Arrrrrrrr, explain yourself…ahhh, sorry everyone, I’m just defending my wife or she’ll kill me.
Insta: don’t back down. why are you a woman and we’re giiirls? Pinpoint me
Jules:Let me dumb this down and say it really slowly. You’re immature and we’re not. haahahahah
Kimmy carried on, Insta carried on, Jules stood her ground and Mike mentioned the drama of Kimmy’s broken nail. Insta tells Kimmy “it’s generational that those old f***ers don’t get it” and Mike tells Kimmy “and you call your husband a b****!” #youdokimmy #imustbegettingtoooldtoo
Insta, feeling insulted for her BFF snarled to Mike “yeah well you said you were going to say ‘no to Heidi at the last vow fing” Mike was all “as if ya dozer, tell my wife it’s not true!” They banged on with their hatred of each other and Dirty Dan finally yelled to Insta “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP EVERYFINK!” Insta looked scolded but pleased with herself and Dirty continued to us “I got to see a side of her I didn’t like and I didn’t like it all” NO S*** SHERLOCK! #itsallsidesdarl #stopityouarehurtingmyears
The Experts tell us they never seen anything like this, Mark was devastated by the whole fracas and Jules, taking over from Caring Cam’s role as the wise one, does a toast saying that ‘everyone should be really proud of themselves” #ibetyourfamiliesaresuperdooperproudtoo
See you at the final vows
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Image supplied by NINE.