Well feed me red wine through a straw and loosen my lips, here’s episode 31 of the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
We kick off the show tonight with a cooked Thai meal leftover from last night.
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
They have friends over but it’s only Michael, Mark’s mate that I’m bothering with. Michael #anotherfreakingMname isn’t a fan of Ning as #phonegate & their #weddinggate grates on him. He’s sure that Ning is only right for Mark’s weight-loss and hair colour but if Mark wants to look distinguished #thatmeansgreybtw
Michael’s opinion on their relationship makes Ning, with her existing trust and ‘sex with you would be ick’ issues, falter but then….vavavoom, she wears the red dress, the soft porn music goes on and they stare awkwardly into each other’s eyes in a silent ‘we’ll shag later’ look. Mark’s all in #boomchickawowwow
INSTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE’S SISTER, LEISA
Leisa knows Insta is dodgy af and asks why she’s ‘ torturing my brother with a slow death by STAYING, wtf is that about?” Insta was all “ohhh, I wanted him to know my family and stuff *hahaha I’m lying* Lesia persisted “yeah, well Mick wants someone genuine and if he finds out you’ve been lying…just remember he looks kinda like a younger Mick Taylor from Wolf Creek…so just saying…#notsayinghesakillerbutiwouldntf*ckwithhim#lovingleisadundee
GETTING READY FOR BOYS AND GIRLS NIGHT
Expert John said something about this being important but again, it was my wee and wine refill time so I only saw: Mike ironing shirtless AGAIN, Mick in footy gear, Kimmy K Martha convincing Manbun Michael she’s not a shit-stirrer while demanding ‘martinis bitches”, Caring Cam and Birkenstock Jules are nervous about the trouble-makers, Soon To Be Cranky Tamara is hoping for gossip while Dan shits himself about said gossip and Jess sips a red wine REALLY farking carefully with her lips #maybejustgrabastrawfromtam
Quote of the night from Jules “you’ve got girls and you’ve got women…and there’s a difference in that”
BOYS NIGHT OUT
Manbun is nervous as he’s the only one ‘in the know’ about Insta almost touching Dan’s peen #peensaidcloserplease
Mick explains the week has been a complete waste of time but acknowledges it’s sorted with Insta’s fam. Cam comments that was Insta’s desired outcome and everyone – except for Dirty Dan - thinks Insta will write LEAVE #ffs. Dirty talks and Manbun starts fretting in his crap shirt about his moral compass…just not enough to call Dirty Dan out though #dontfretpet #areyousuremarthasaidthatshirtwasok
Mark chats to us and I’m sure he’s a tad pissy: “I’m vibing with Ning that… *starts singing Rod Stewart’s * TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT”
Dirty Dan tells us he’s “all about Jess” and I flip him the bird and sip my wine patiently waiting for the fracas.
The boys chat:
CARING CAM TO DIRTY DAN: Ummm, *reading a palm card given by a producer* you just came in, do you have ‘the feels’ for anyone else’s sacred wife?
DIRTY DAN POINTING AT MICK DUNDEE: Oh…ummmm, I find his Mrs HOT AF!
CAM: but do you get the goosebumps with her? You know, the awkward pants lumpy bump feeling?
DIRTY DAN: yeah, sorta fellas, but I’m honest and stuff *whispers to us – and these blokes are all so much bigger than my nuggety little arse* so nuffin except for chatter happened
MIKE: YEAH but has your peen nearly been touched?
MANBUN WHISPERING TO CAMERA: Fark, Martha will remove my balls if I say anything
DIRTY DAN: *whispers to us* Mick deserves to know and….
DIRTY DAN TO THE BOYS: I have not had sexual intercourse with THAT woman
Dirty Dan feels bad about lying and…farrrrrk….honestly Channel 9, how many times can I throw shit at my television screen without it cracking? Manbun is emotional he’s covering for a liar and cries before admitting he can put on false eyelashes “INDIVIDUALLY, MOTHERFUCKERS AND THAT’S A TALENT!” #isitthoughbro
Cam lets Manbun know Kimmy is a shitstirrer and Manbun got all #protectiveofmymrs #haveyouseendatass
Mark is giddy with the prospect of Ning’s foofa and tells everyone she ticks his boxes. He’s all genuine and likes her and Mick Dundee *REMEMBER THIS!* says “I can’t fault him, he’s genuine” #plottwistiscomingfolks #ifyouvegettherewithningweallhavesaidmick#wtfdoesthatevenmeanmick
THE GIRLS NIGHT
Seriously, what was that stupid selfie? I’ve never seen two gasping fish before but maybe that’s how they’d look. WTF Martha and Insta, is that really how you do it? #justpretendlikeyouarenearlyonthehook
Insta tells Martha about the #danspeenneedslovetoo episode and then gets questioned about making Mick stay: “It was all for RESPECT and stuff and now it’s done” Jules rolled her eyes in a “just fuck off ya trollop” kinda way and Matha, deflecting for her BFF said “let’s talk about sex baby” #allthegoodthingsandthebadthings Now when you talk about sex, you talk to the celibate one and they all advise Ning “you’ve got the feels, just relax and shag hm already” #girlsaresosweettoeachother.
Tam admits she’s been friend-zoned and Martha, on a roll as the moll, says “you’ve been friend-zoned” in an attempt to go early defensive about Insta #earlygroundworkkimmy #stfukimmykyouaregettingonmytits
Heidi drops the “bombshell” that Mike has really lovely parents and we all clap again for the #bobbydazzler Martha and Insta leave the girls group for a BFF chat and talk ‘quietly’ about Dirty Dan – except for when Insta uses his name “DAN!!! OMG DAN!!!” she yelps and every one hears.
Tam, twitching like she’s Jonesing for something, says “they’re talking about my husband!” We start chanting “YES THE FARK THEY ARE, DO SOMETHING!!!!” But. Nope. They just sit there, politely waiting. #thisisgettingnauseating #buckleupbitches
Tam takes Insta aside and we wait for the beat down. FARK TAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ASK HER IF SHE WANTS THE PEEN OF DAN! Insta puckers her lips, sucks on her wine glass and whispers to us *omgawd, she’s like *hiccups* so lovely, but you know, like, ummm *hiccup*, I’m just gonna lie heeheeheee” and denies it all #justwaitforthereunionshow#tamwillf*ckherup
Jules and Heidi scream to us “they’re all fucking crazy – we’re out” but are restrained by contractual obligations to actually leave. They argue about whether Insta yelled “I WANT TO FARK DAN” and I rolled my eyes so far back into my head that my hubby is typing this now…I’m blind and waiting for my eyes to roll back by themselves #ifyoubuildittheywillcome
Insta, sick of all this incredibly accurate scrutiny, decides to do the “OLD DEFLECT, SHIFT FOCUS AND THROW UNDER THE BUS MANEUVRE’ (If you read that in Maxwell Smart’s voice, you get bonus points) and hiccups before telling Ning “Mick and Mark say that when this is all finished, they’re going to go and fuck a whole lot of bitches” #surelyyoujest #throneoflies
I yell “BULLSHIT” and jinxed myself with Tam who yelled it at the same time. Jules wanted to attack, Heidi finger brushed her hair, Tam twitched, Ning went to water and Martha slurred “it’s Twue haaha bitches, *looks into camera and says #followmeformoregossoninstagram” We all wonder why it’s taken 2 weeks to shatter Ning’s entire faith in the male species and Martha pipes up “it takes time to marinate”
“WE ARE NOT COOKING FUCKING STEAK KIMMY STFU!” I scream and instantly lipcurl at the #drunkshitstirrersholdinghands.
Jules told us it was all bullshit #goodenoughformethendarl and Heidi, taking a leaf out of Mike’s ‘The Son of Bobby Dazzler’s Advice Guide Book” sternly says
“I’m jealous of the boys getting drunk af and shooting the breeze. How about we all just cut the shit?” and Jules high fived her #girlcode #whichchapterwasthatinheids
Ning sets the battle arena for tomorrow night “the four of us will sit down and chat. Let’s go. AND I WILL BURN THIS SHOW TO THE GROUND IF IT’S TRUE OR YOUR LYING
Until tomorrow night
Follow 'Rock Star Mums Drink Champagne' on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/rockstarmumsdrinkchampagne/