For the love of God, will somebody please bitch slap the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia?
Ok, so we wake up and Nervous Billy is on the couch as every time he breathes Susie yells “THERE YOU GO, BREATHING AGAIN JUST TO ANNOY ME! #calmthef***downsusie
Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap has woken up with a satisfied smile on his face as he’s used his peen in Tamara. Tamara has what us girls call “Shaggers Remorse”. It’s a genuine condition when you shag someone you like but know in your absolute soul they’re a player.#cantbelieveishaggedhim#illshaghimagainjusttomakesure
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
It’s all a bit ho hum: Manbun Michael has prepared a real life Instagram board of their most liked photos for Kimmy K Martha, Cyrell met up with Nic so he could arrange her good behavior bond for the dinner and Jess sets the groundwork for being a Scarlet Woman Wannabe by picking a fight with Mick Dundee “You’re just a guy that likes his wife, which is s*** for me” #whichissounreasonable#donttouchme
Manic Mel has been busted telling her sister that she thinks Mahatma Dino was a joke/vows were s***/she’s carrying him blah blah while she THOUGHT Mahatma was asleep. #plottwist Dino was only PRETENDING to be asleep and recorded her end of the conversation Make sense?#youdoknowthateverythingyousayisoncameratooyeah Dino recorded her so he could show her later. Do I think it was wrong? Sure. Is it weird that she’s being filmed on a reality program and is concerned about her privacy? Sure#stillad***movedino
Dinner Party – getting ready
Softening Ning gave Marky Mark a little ‘look at me’ slap in her dress, Jess put on her best ‘check me out, I’m wearing a g-banger and I’m a scarlet woman dress’, Cyrell was having a ciggie while contemplating life, Nic was busily growing a moustache for the dinner party and Kimmy K Martha was getting flashbacks over her traumatic experience with Cyrell. I rolled my eyes back and called her a beeeotch under my breath.#yeahsureyouwereyous***stirrer#areyoustillwearingamaskmartha
Dinner Party – arrivals
Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam arrive followed by Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike for the “OMG, we’re all so happy” experience. More piled in and it took Martha approx. 2.4 seconds to exaggerate the fight with Cyrell and Jess was all “f*** it, I’m now cast as the slutty villain so I’ll just go along with it haahaaaaa” Cyrell arrives with her Good Behaviour Bondsman and you can see how hard it is for Cyrell not to shank Martha with a cocktail stirrer. Martha tries to bait Cyrell and meh…stop please you’re just annoying.#thisissolastnight
THE NEW COUPLES ARRIVE!
The new couples arrive and upon seeing Dirty Dan, Insta Jess and Kimmy K were like “ooooh, he’s so f***ing hot/ooooh yummy/oooh my foofa feels tingly/my nips are perky” #slappersunite.
Mike and Heidi do a weird “we’re so happy” piece to camera and Mike did this odd shoulder rub on Heidi that bothered the s*** out of me #justrubbingoneout#thisishowiwantyoutotouchmypeen
Manic Mel and Mahatma sit 400 metres apart at the table and Mel was furiously shoveling food and wine carefully past her lips. Some bright spark asked “are you guys ok?” and of course the whole ‘you recorded me you creepy mother***ing elephant loving, downward dog stretching, flower loving hippy’ manic episode came out.
Mahatma, looking relaxed enough to be in a coma, tried to calmly explain that he was using the conversation as couples therapy. Manic Mel freaked the absolute fark out. The Experts were all like “yeah, he broke her trust, fancy anyone recording someone on a show like this or looking at them through video cameras to critique them or catch them out. It’s so #creepy”#iamthinkingnotevenaherbalteawillsavethem#finallysomeattentiononmel
Cyrell apologises to Manbun who accepts her apology as “we’re all human” Cyrell and Martha have a discussion and call a mock truce which nobody really believes #idontcondoneviolencebutabitchslapwouldhaveworked
Jules and Cam have a fight over the movie Anchorman – I yell ‘best movie for quotes, I’m with Cam!’ Billy then looked as Susie and said “I miss you” she flashed her eyelashes and said “f*** off you weirdo” #poorbrokenbilly #ronburgundyforever#idontknowhowtoputthisbutimkindofabigdeal
THE SLAPPER SITUATION
Jess with Nic:
Ok, so Insta Jess decides that touching Mick Dundee’s peen one time was enough - even though she’d “really tried” to work at her marriage.#noyouf***inghavent As the new villain, Insta decides to look around the table and go “eeny meany miney mo…catch an unsuspecting hubby by the freshly grown mo” and landed on Nic. I rolled my eyes at this development#isthisthebestyouguyscouldcomeupwith
Jess grabbed Nic for a stern talking to and a flash of her knickers. After declaring her intentions to Nic she watched him do the old ‘stutter, giggle and rebuff’ in horror. #onlyonecrazywifeatatimethanksAfter her rejection, Jess simply wiped off the seat where she’d been sitting, sculled a wine and went back in to look at her back up plan.#youtakethevillainrolesoseriouslyjess#cyrellwillf***ingkillheratthecommitmentceremony
Jess with Dan:
So Jess gets rejected by Nic and thinks “oh, well, there must be another tasty morsel here, I’m still oh so hungry” Seriously, you’d think maybe they’d give her a night off in-between dastardly deeds.#jessthenewanus
Chatting with Martha, she did that weird hooker on the corner “hey big boy, we love you long time, let me see your salty balls” look across the table at her new ‘he’s not a snack, he’s a meal’ guy Dirty Dan. Over she stripped to sit beside Dan and Tamara looked on with interest. #touchhimandyoudie
I was all like “get the f*** away from her Dan” but old Dirty Dan didn’t really look like he wanted to listen and Jess was saying slapperish things like “I could blow a little smoke up your arse” and then actually undid her dress to get him to focus on her boobs WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F***?
“Get up and kick her arse Tamara! You only slept with him yesterday with your full farting belly and everything, what what what???” and Tamara heard me #thatsitgetoverthereandf***herup #gotamara
Tamara approached Dirty Dan and was all “you need to get the f*** up and remove yourself from this mole or I am going to make Cyrell look like a kindy kid on downers. You got me Motherf***er?” Dirty Dan did indeed get her and went over to “the boiz” AND JESS F***ING FOLLOWED singing:
‘Jess and Dan humping in a tree
Hu….mp… (*thinks out loud H then ump…oh yeah) I N G!’
‘Ehrmergerd Tam’ I yell (she’s now my bestie and I shortened her name to encourage her) GET OFF THE BABY CHAIR AND GET OVER THERE NOW! Jess is making a mockery of your marriage’
Tam heard me and sat fair on his lap. “Take that Jess you bloody Anus smoke blower” Tam riggled around a bit to show the power of her foofa and Jules, Mick and a few of the others looked on and planned to hack into Jess’s Insta account and delete all her followers. #Instajesswashacked #whoeversitsonhimownshim
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Image supplied by NINE.