We wake up and everyone is still curious about the Insipid Sam and An*s Ines rumour. Have they rubbed uglies? Did they get sweaty in the sauna? Did they really break into Mick and Jess’s room and stand in the door-way?
The producers decide to make Backstreet Bronson look even dopier with another “Anus is such an honest girl and is just so real.. much like my authentic gold Rolex that I paid 900 Baht for on that ‘Learn to Strip’ pole dancing course I did in Bangkok” piece to camera
Lizzie was expressive about Sam putting her down, Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike were still fighting (little yawn, must be getting late), Sam was already thinking about breaking up with his Anus #shewantsmesobadcauseiamsohot and Anus was thinking of creative ways to drink in Sam’s facial sweat while licking her fingers menacingly at the camera. We go through a bunch of other irrelevant stuff at the ‘girls/boys meet up’ but it just annoyed me #takemetothedamnceremony
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY
The Experts are pumped and rush through everyone:
BIRKENSTOCK JULES OF THE FLAT SHOES FOREVER AND CARING CAM THE CRICKETER
Ok, so we start off with Mr. and Mrs. I Love You. Some idiot producer has convinced an otherwise normal Cam to jump up on the couch like crazy Tom Cruise “it’ll be great, trust me!” #stopmakingcamdostupidshit#firstitwasthebighatandnowitsatomcruisething BOTH STAY
UP HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
We are reminded of the world’s most unnecessary fight and Expert John explores the continuing “female is broken and scared of commitment” theme. Mike sits there looking smug that Heidi was copping it all and ho hum….they both say STAY. Mike uses his “STAY” to use the word “ellipsis” (…) to indicate that he’s ‘thinking’ which, you know, is just a #powerplayand #nottrue #iamveryseriousandsmart BOTH STAY
MANBUN MICHAEL AND KIMMY K MARTHA
Ok, so these two are killing it on insta with the couples #sponsorships. Martha and Michael “COULD” potentially fall for each other and will use the same filters down the track.
Expert Trish wants to know if they’ve slept together and Kimmy K Martha did that hilarious noise Luke McGregor makes (when asked an awkward question) before admitting “YES” Both are STAYING #cantleavewhenthesheetsetssponsorshipiscomingup#lizziegavethemaboredslowclap
MICK DUNDEE AND INSTA JESS THE LIP LICKER
Oh. Moi. Gawd. It’s apparent that Insta is no longer attracted to Mick Dundee. Using the old “he told everyone we shagged” excuse to stop catching his spittle on her shirt (yup)Jess blames everything on Mick.
I feel sorry for Mick as he a) apparently dribbles like a newborn and b) is in a relationship with a woman that secretly can’t stand him. Insta stays under the proviso that Mick never touches her and Mick stays as, well, Mick is hopeful #blesshim #donttouchme #liplicker Both STAY
MANIC MEL AND MAHATMA DINO
The kangaroo scrotum from the sexy Asian tourist shop gets another run. I neck my second glass of wine to numb the non-existent sexual tension between them and prayed for Mahatama during his stress relieving ‘Touch Your Own Balls’ relaxation stretch he did on the couch. Both are STAYING. #prayformahatamaslemonwater
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
Ning is warming to Mark as he paid for lunch AND a coffee and usually nobody would ever feed her #prayforfoodforning. Mark even cares so much that he sends loving “I’m doing a massive t*rd” texts while he’s on the loo which is #sweetaf #justdroppingthekidsoffatthepool Both are STAYING
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJAC NIC
These two haven’t had a fight for a good 3 days so they’re feeling pretty #blessed. Both are STAYING #cyclonecyrellisjustoutoseabutshewillbeback
LIZZIE AND SLEAZEBAG SAM
FINALLY! I poured a new gallon of wine and said “this had better be fucking good” while fisting my popcorn #isthattherightexpressionyeah
We are reminded that Sam said “STAY” last time out of genuine concern for Lizzie’s welfare (haahahaaa, ‘dickhead’ I yelled) before Expert John asked “what positive steps have you taken for Lizzie this week?”
I waited for the whole ‘I stuck my throbbing thumb into her mouth/started an affair/shat on Lizzie in front of everyone/just remained a pratt” BUT nothing came out. #fuckinggetonwithitalready
A producer ran over and stage whispered to LIZZIE: “bring up the rumour in a really expressive, authentic, you didn’t really know way so we can get to it already”. Lizzie, finally seeing an opportunity to prove she’s been right all along asks about the rumour.
Sam responded: it’s been super hard on me *sniff sniff* you know I was born #sohot so I automatically connect with other people who also say #sohot and well, Lizzie and Backstreet…no offence but they don’t even say it…LIKE, AT ALL. #sonothot. Backstreet is gonna hate me and Lizzie, well, I don’t give a shit what she thinks. Anus and I have so much in common - I mean, we’re both completely shallow, vacuous, moronic and #sohot human beings which is #sohot right. So yeah, we made out”
The Experts call him an ‘An*s Loving Hemorrhoid’ and Sam realises his error
Sam: Oooh… ummm, I didn’t shag her and ummmmm… I can’t even stand the An*s. I regret everything now and the An*s is now my ex too”
LVSSI Cyrell screams: “YOU MOFO, the world doesn’t revolve around you! You ain’t KING DINGALING. SETTLE THE F*CK DOWN”
And inspired a shit tin of memes and followers on her Insta account too. #yougethimcyrell #youcompleteme
The AN*S stands up and walks out saying “nobody screams at an An*s in the corner” and is completely baffled why she’s in trouble. There was awkward clapping as a) nobody knew what else to do or b) they were signally SOMEONE *hint hint may have the actual clap #notsurebutbothseemfeasible #slowclap
Shhhhhhh everyone, the Experts have said ANUS will re-enter the room but only if Cyrell leaves. Cyrell and Nick leave but not before grabbing a glass to press against the door to listen. #doesthatstillwork #loveitoldschool
BACKSTREET AND AN*S
An*s sits on the couch with a smug look while Backstreet had a “wow, I was really stupid hey” look on his face. Anus puts on her Silence of the Lambs mask and explains her feelings for Sam
Anus: honestly, I knew from the moment I broke into Sam’s apartment and watched him sleeping that we would be together forever. It’s just unfortunate that Clarise and Backstreet had to get in my way.
Experts: Did you want to hurt Backstreet?
Anus: Who? Oh right, ummm…no. But f*ck it, not my problem
Backstreet: Oh wow, that’s really sweet. I forgive you and hate Sam
Anus: See! He’s a dope and Lizzie is just a weirdo so #f*ckthem #sonotmyfault
Experts: and what about Sam?
Anus: oh, Sam is going to regret this forever. He can shave his beard off, get a new girlfriend and stuff, but one day, he’s going to wake up and Anus will be there **puts on the Police’s “Every Breath You Take, I’ll be Watching You’ and gets carried out by security** I LOVE YOU SAM, YOU BELONG TO ME
Lizzie dramatically leaves the room while Backstreet gets up for one last handstand in his
undies while saying “ummmm, I still like everyone here. I mean, she was an honest girl and just had to follow her heart you know?” #dontbeafreakingloserbackstreet #hardenthef*ckup
Lizzie does the ultimate double fingered bird salute and I relaxed as the world could now be at peace. #upyoursf*ckers
We say goodbye to Insipid Sam, Expressive Lizzie, Backstreet Bronson and Anus Ines #nowwhat #moref*ckingweddings
The promo for tomorrow night promises 2 x new couples and the EXPERIMENT continues
Until tomorrow night
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