MAFS - The Latest Rock Star Mum Review

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Well I t’s time to hang up the gold Metre Maid bikinis and leave the Gold Coast on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia

It’s the last day on the Goldy and our couples are waking up with sore heads and perfect lip gloss. Hairy Headed Heidi forbids Up Himself Mike to talk to Jess without formal written approval, Jess is picking wax out of her ear, Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam are still #smugmarrieds, Backstreet Bronson was shirtless and An*s Ines was still an*sy.

The anti-climactic ‘Sam boofing Anus while everyone hates on Lizzie saga’ continues…Liz wakes up with freshly applied make-up and is devo’d about the Sam situation. An*s loving Sam was on his balcony chatting to the ACA cameraman about how his trip has been a “wild ride, it’s just been up and down” and then leers at the camera saying “I’m funny aren’t I? did you get my sex reference? *double wink* fark I’m #sohot…is #sohot trending?” #sohot #nahmateitsnottrending

Sam can see “An*s in my future” (remember he said that later folks) and can’t stand the sight of poor Lizzie. Sam and Lizzie have a #dramaticconvoafter Lizzie arrives at his room NUMBER 1902

Sam: You’ve wasted my time
Lizzie: people think you’re a victim

Sam: I AM a victim….haahaa, suck sh*t, I’ve convinced everyone that I’m a victim and you’re a psycho!

And there was a whole bunch of “you shoved your throbbing thumb in my mouth/no I didn’t/yes you did/you told people I wanted to f*ck you/no I didn’t/yes you did/CALM DOWN CLAM DOWN/GO AWAY blah blah

Sam: I’m trying to be respectful….


Sam confides that “Lizzie is forcing me to be with An*s”. 
An*s, after knocking on his room door NUMBER 1904 (UMM, WTF DID HE CHANGE ROOMS IMMEDIATELY?) was all “Lizzie is a SHEBEAST” and I was bothered about the term but filed it in my insult book for later use #loveshebeast

An*s tells us that her and Sam are “the most honest out of everyone” and my eyes rolled back and slapped my brain again. Poxy leans in for a kiss AND AN*S, in search of her favourite pox mark, KISSED HIS FOREHEAD #thatwasslightlyawkward 

An*s is getting ready for the dinner party in her stolen bridesmaids dress while poor dopey Backstreet goes in to watch her creepily dab on lip gloss #whothefarkputsonlipglosslikethat #isthatwhatdabbingis

The Experts are busily watching their souped up split TV screens when the persistent rumour about Sam and An*s resurfaces. People scream “OMG! Someone tell Backstreet!” and I yelled “nahhh, wait until we’re at the dinner table for drama” #onit
Jess and Martha huddle with An*s to make her pinky swear that she hasn’t rubbed uglies with Sam “#solame I swear to GOD I haven’t”. An*s turned to ACA and whispered “dumb f#ckers, I’m an atheist and *cough cough* funny”

Sam arrives and An*s, squeezing her nipples “like, dies”. Sam dishes on Lizzie “Like, Lizzie, like wanted me” and then IGGY LIZZIE WALKED IN singing “I’m so fancy”. Sam, obviously shocked, checked that his pectoral muscle could still bounce #dudeno #isthatathingboys Lizzie did the facials to ACA while saying “Adios! Bye Bye” #youtellhimiggy

Jess walks up to Mike and we all swing around to see if Heidi approves…aaaand she doesn’t and is PISSED he ignored the Love Language book guidelines. Insta and Mike talk for 16.4 seconds about Mike making her shag Mick and we all agree that it was “maybe blown out of portion” and that is the end of that #blownoutofproportiontoo #stoptalkingjess

“This better f#cking go off” I say while splitting my lip on a handful of popcorn. #betterbeonlikedonkeykong

Heidi freaks out at Mike for ignoring her orders and the Experts have ‘grave concerns’ about their future together #doyoureallyf&ckingthink

Kimmy K Martha holds Manbun Michael’s testes as they discuss his nail colour selection for her: it’s “sky blue with one nail as a Chanel print” #socompletelywhipped #andanotherhorridshirt

I high five Cyrell for stirring the pot by telling Lizzie about the new, revised rumour. When Lizzie doesn’t automatically shank Anus and Sam, Cyrell tries a different approach: “think of poor dopey Backstreet! He looks sooooo stoooopid! When there’s STILL no reaction, Cyrell sidles up to Mahatma Dino…”Hey Dino, I’m concerned about Backstreet and, as an ex fellow stripper with him, you should tell him yeah? #stripperrules#matesforever

Mahatma rubs his Buddha for courage and tells Backstreet. The boys are all “we’re your mates and it’ll be sad if it’s true” and call Sam down to ask him. SAM FLATOUT F#CKING DENIES BOOFING ANUS AND ACTUALLY GETS A FIST BUMP FROM BACKSTREET “I believe you Bro.. I’m also pretty sure he whispered “brosbeforehoes” #icantevenf&ckingdealwiththis#isignedupfordramanotagreements

Nic, under instruction from Cyrell, brings up the whole throbbing thumb suck and I literally groaned. “UNLEASH THE SHE BEAST” I yell while Mel Mulia skulled her wine in anticipation.


Everyone wanted to know who sucked who’s finger, Sam was all “Lizzie has always wanted my throbbing thumb ‘cause, you know, I’m #sohot and she’s lost her mind haahahahaaaaa” I yell “you smug motherf&cker” so loud that I scared myself and spilled my red wine down my front… Mental not to self, wear a bib when watching shitty people.

I know I’m supposed to care more but meeeehhhhh….Heidi was still upset that Mike broke the signed agreement, Mike was upset and doesn’t show enough empathy and…well… fark me. Heidi said the relationship ‘door was closing’ and Mike was all “well it’s closed” and Heidi was all like “oh no, I meant like it’s really getting close, you know, help me out here” and Mike “nah, mine’s closed” and Heidi was like ‘well mine’s slammed, so there!” Mike produced some moisture on his face for the piece to camera and we know they’ll last maybe another few weeks. #shutthefrontdoor#maybejustleaveitajarabit

An*s gets the nod from the producer and heads out to sit on the couch RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FREAKING TOILETS for another ‘secret’ rendezvous. Sam sits down and “OMG BABE, THE SEXUAL TENSION IS SO INTENSE” and the producer yelled “FFS, say something naughty” and Anus - always up for a challenge - murmured “I get so horny when I see you…I have like 6 orgasms in my head” and, in the process of throwing up in an ice cream bucket, I thought “hmmmm, maybe MAFS is a good way for me to rapidly lose weight”
#isthatwhattheymeanbymindblown #oristhataheadf&ck #soconfused

An*s, recovering from her head f#ck, tells Sam she wants a future with him and Sam, (after saying EARLIER he could see a future with her) whined to ACA “oh, that’s a bit of a turn off…I just wanted a shag and fame and now she’s like, falling for me ‘cause I’m #sohot and cool. I’d hate to dodge one bullet for another” #dudeyouaretargetpractice #knobjockeyonthetrashtrain

I walked over to the TV, flipped both Sam and An*s a dramatic double bird, watched the promo for next week and poured myself another red.

Until Sunday

Fi xx

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