Well pour me some bubbles, feed me some grapes and call me a Trash Lovin' Whore Bag, here's the updates on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
The A Current Affair cameraman and I stand over the bed of An*s and Sam, stalking their smug little sex faces awake. An*s comments that she was “strapped to Sam’s leg” and I jumped back to stop getting slapped with a sex toy for being so nosy. These two have a ‘mental and spiritual connection’ and I corrected it to just ‘mental’ before shoving popcorn in my gob and exiting their room#idjustsaymentalconnectionandleaveitatthat#whomovedhershoes
MANIC MEL and Dino are doing their version of sexy shopping. Mel’s sexual frustration is getting just a tad over produced for my liking: I understand the 10 year thing but to suggestively stroke a kangaroo scrotum chilled me to my very core. Mahatma rubbed in some aromatherapy oils, lay down in a relaxing corpse yoga pose and cried#ooohtheyaresoftarentthey#leaveskippythef#ckalone
We dash back to Sam’s bedroom to stare awkwardly like a big perv. Sam is in ‘thanks it was great but you need to leave TF now” mode and An*s stood there in undies looking well, An*sy. “Why can’t we tell everyone we’re in love? We’re like, #sohot together” and Sam was all “BECAUSE THE PRODUCER JUST TOLD ME SHIT IS GOING DOWN *whispers conspiratorially* I need to oil my hair for tonight”
“HOLY SHITBALLS” I thought “Lizzie is so going to bust them and go all Britney 2007 OMG! HURRY LIZZIE BUST THEIR ARSES” I scream while gulping my wine.
Nek minute, the producers did the whole dramatic ‘Lizzie is going to bust them….oh wait, no she’s just going to shank An*s in the lift… and then…well…she didn’t EVEN FARKING SEE HER”#wecouldhavehadapropershanking #sobummed#dobetternexttimeplease
MARTHA and Michael think that An*s is a “vibrant young girl” ‘cause she’s so “real” and “open” and doesn’t “play games” and I threw shit at the TV and unfollowed them both on Insta. #illshowthemffs
Meanwhile, Backstreet visits An*s in her cavern and it’s sad that Backstreet “has no idea”. Backstreet was all “you look all glowy/perky like you’ve Just Been F#cked (JBF for future reference) and they go for a drink. Anus orders a “cocktail” and OMFG, we get it already you saw one last night. #biggroanfromme.
Backstreet then has the audacity to suggest their relationship COULD LAST and maybe they should move in again….An*s did a ‘pfffft’ and said in her Hannibal Lector voice “oh Backstreet, have the lambs stopped screaming?”#doyouthinkhesjustscaredofher #chills
SAM AND LIZZIE
Honestly, I will jump TF into my DeLorean, go back in time and beat the shit out of Sam with a wet, unscaled 3 day old fish. Here’s his convo with Lizzie:
Sam: You disrespected me/sook sook[FC1] /I’m so respectful (hahaahahah)/I’ve done everything for you *whispers to ACA Cameraman* including touching an An*s
Lizzie: I’m sorry I messed up. But I was sick, and, unlike everyone else, I didn’t want to create a pox epidemic.
Sam: I was sad *whispers to ACA cameraman* so I grabbed me some An*s. #sohot
Lizzie: OK. I made a mistake.#dramaticeyerollfromme
MANIC MEL was getting dressed AND HOW MUCH DOES SHE LOOK LIKE JULIA MORRIS? I shall now call her Mulia (see what I did there? I haven’t mixed names since high school). Anywho, Mulia jokes to Mahatma about getting drunk and getting sex slammed and Mahatma goes into the Hapless Crying Downward Dog position. #prayformahatma#letsjustgetdrunkandshag
THE GIRLS NIGHT AKA “THE NIGHT I REALLY NOTICED THE LIP LICKING”
KIMMY K MARTHA walks in and checks the champagne label to see if it’s worth having on her shared insta account #becausethehatistoof*ckinguglytopost. Jules, in her bra decides to tell everyone about Cam loving her and there’s “ooooh’s” and “ahhh’s”…except for Anus of course who starts humming Desperado while stabbing her Lizzie voodoo doll.
INSTA JESS has to admit she shagged Mick Dundee because EVERYONE KNOWS! Cyrell asked “did he hit the spot?” and sadly the attraction is no longer there #mindyourdamnbusiness.
Insta admits to only sleeping with Mick because “Dr Phil/Mike made me do it” we flashback to the actual conversation of Insta and Mike and we know he didn’t MAKE her, he just strongly suggested it.#nobodyshouldeverlieonthisshow.#youknowtheyrecordthisright
MULIA MEL has now had enough champers to say she’s had “her fair shares of p*nis” and we all go “yeah, but no peen for 10 years cancels it out…everyone knows that” #doublenegativepeen
OMG STOP, COLLABORATE AND LISTEN, IGGY LIZZIE’S HERE! We all need to keep quiet to hear An*s and her bitchy chats to the ACA cameraman. Lizzie decides to tell everyone about that time Sam ‘thumbed my mouth” and Anus yelled “don’t you dis him! You lie! His thumb hasn’t been in YOUR mouth” Chaos ensued and Birkenstock Jules, in her bra, suspects “Anus is up to something” FINALLY! SOMEONE IS CATCHING THE HINTS#ffschickscatchup #nofliesonyourbrastrapsjules
MARTHA, seeing an opportunity for an electrolytes/premature ejaculation dual promo on Insta, tells everyone that Manbun Michael “has a LOT *winks suggestively* of stamina and he’s so quick” and again, I did a little vom #sahgross.
AN*S, being an an*s, rolls her eyes about social anxiety with Matt and Lizzie unties her hair tie and loses her shit: “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF ANUS” and launches her pointy fingernails at Anus and I was like “yeah Girl, you get her and f*ck her up” and AGAIN..NOTHING HAPPENED.
Lizzie storms off a good metre to the bar giving Cyrell an opportunity to stir the pot. “We’ve all heard that An*s and Sam have been in the sauna together and go #sohot” and Iggy Lizzie was all “I will f*ck her up” #fightfightfight
NADA. It was pathetic. I wanted An*s to go “It wasn’t only his thumb in my mouth” and a full on cat fight like a crappy scene from Dynasty but alas….nothing. Anus denied everything, all the sensible chicks calmed everyone down and mehhh….it was done #missedopportunityforsomewwf #sahdisappointed
THE BOYS NIGHT
OK, so this HAS to be a stitch up…Backstreet starts off with a “it’s not a boys night without Sam” and my eyes literally spanked the top of my brain.#literallyspankedmybrain
Mike/Dr Phil decides to soothingly tell Mahatma “you should make sweet, sweet love to Mulia like Heidi and I do ALL THE TIME!” #ohwowhaveyouhadsexmike Mahatma looks awkward and the ‘boys’ crowd around him chanting “SLAM HER YOU F*CKING HIPPY, SLAM HER” and poor Dino cried and ordered another green tea to go while doing the Crying Cobra pose.
Sam bangs on about Lizzie molesting his thumb “SHE DISRESEPCTED ME AND MY TINY THROBBING THUMB” so I started putting the final touches on my DeLorean and googled the next lightning strike to go back and fuck him up #preparetofeelthefishpainsam
Backstreet put out the feelers for being the future Bachelor by saying “Sam shouldn’t have said that. I, Backstreet, respect all women and I stretch in the mornings on command for cameras”
Sam takes the opportunity to tell ACA “it makes me laugh that I boofed his wife…haahaa, I’m so sexy, funny and oh #sohot”
Mike tries out his last Dr Phil on Manbun Michael and, well, I zoned out and woke up during the promo for tomorrow night. #hohum #iftheresnofightingimdone