Attach some tassels to my nipples and call me Tinsel T#ts, the Trash Train continued its journey on the way to the commitment ceremony on Married At First Sight Australia
Oh. Moi. Gawd. It’s the morning of the second commitment ceremony that will ‘change everything’ and everyone is pumped: Cyrell is STILL losing her shit and is a ‘bit dramatic sometimes’, Loz is still mortified that Matt isn’t attracted to her after the lesbian reveal (did anyone else notice how far he shoves his hands into pockets? WTF?), Insta Jess is upset for poor old Poxy Sam “the poor kid just can’t catch a break” (WTAF Jess?) Sam is applying calamine lotion to his pox, Bronson thinks Sam is ‘goddam sexy’ and Ines ate food like Hannibal Lector imagining licking Sam’s weeping red facial pox again.
Meanie Ning and Tolerant Mark slag each other off about the whole gym incident, Bronson explains to the boys that he no longer wants to vomit when he’s with Alligator An#s, Former Lesbian Ms.Grey Loz tells the girls that Former Virgin Matt has cleared his food out of the fridge and Cyrell - in her passion for food - was all “your husband took food from you?” #whothefarktakesthefoodtoo #dontswearorstealfoodinfrontofthefood
Matt feels like poo and is taking on all the guilt while Manbun Michael made my eyes bleed with his shirt. #literallybleeding
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY
MICK DUNDEE AND INSTA JESS
Insta Jess relayed how she has social anxiety and Mick helped her overcome it by making her wear workboots and a flanno, which was cool.
Trish the Sexpert asked Insta when they’ll shag and Insta, bought up to respect herself, said on national TV “maybe tonight” which was so “so embarrassment”. We all chuckle over the hilarious oversharing of the couples’ sex life and Mick Dundee hi fives all the boys who throw condoms at him. BOTH STAYING #ithinkmickdundeeiskeen #inlikeflynn
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJACULATING NICK
We learn that LVSIS Cyrell is all kinds of an emotional mess and Expert John counsels her in an annoying tone, although I’m sure he just wanted to yell “oh stop you’re shit you fucking nutter”
Non-ejaculating Nic looks on with a constant “WTF IS HAPPENING?” look on his face. Nick is staying for more abuse and Cyrell is all “yeah well fuck off, I’m staying too”. BOTH STAYING #helpme
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
OK, so BJ and CC are still a loved up couple: BJ is mad about Cam and Cam is mad about BJ. OOOOOH, the “L” word (not the ‘lesbian’ word, the ‘love’ word) was used by Cam. We learn that cricket helps a woman’s crease which was good to know. Of course they’re both STAYING. #expertsarepumpedaboutonein10
MANIC MEL AND MAHATMA DINO
We discover there’s no sexual chemistry which is frustrating for Manic Mel as she hasn’t shagged since roman sandals were worn by the actual Romans – just kidding, it was back on NYE 2009.
Manic Mel becomes emotional because, you know, no sex for 50 years fucks you up and has a cry. A few of the brides cry too and Non-Ejaculating Nick did the “Holy shit, she’ll go off” look at Mahatma.
LAUREN THE FORMER LESBIAN AND MATT THE FORMER VIRGIN
Ok, so we had to live through the whole lesbian/swingers/threesomes/non-attraction/dominate the ex virgin/he overshared personal details/I feel used fiasco again and I went “FFS, can we please move on as I’m getting a bit over hearing about this” Matt the Former Virgin let us know that losing his virginity on national television was better than using the “lose your virginity” app that his mum Rhonda had downloaded for him.#soundslikequitethehandyapptherematt #prettysureitscalledtindermate
Both Matt and Loz decide to leave and I’m incredibly grateful that I wont have to type or hear the freaking ‘virgin’, ‘ex-virgin’, ‘pinkies up your bum’, ‘ravage me big boy’ or ‘I used to be a lesbian’ words again. There’s accepted apologies, the ‘let’s be friends’ suggestion and Matt looked well chuffed that his first relationship lasted longer than his sexual encounter. I’m a bit baffled as to why Matt is taking on all the blame though. BOTH ARE LEAVING #ijustwantsomeonetolovemeandmaybetheirmatestoo#justgohomenadlistentomichaelboltonmatt#GHDwontbehappytheylosetheirwalkingadvertisement
MANBUN MICHAEL AND KIMMY K MARTHA
KK Martha is thawing out from her guest appearance on Frozen and Manbun Michael and his hideous shirt is developing feelings too. The couple’s sponsors on Instagram are really picking up and they’re #blessed#omgwearesogoodlookinginthesephotos #opentooffers
HAIRY HEADED HEIDI AND UP HIMSELF MIKE
Ok so the touchy touchers came on and UH Mike is falling for Heidi and himself again and HH Heidi likes him too. Both are STAYING #touchmebysamanthafoxistheirthemesong
MEANIE NING AND TOLERANT MARK
Meanie Ning, almost became relatable to 50% of mums that wear activewear without any intention of exercising. Explaining that Mark was ridiculous enough to try and make her do a squat, a second cheer from the non-exercising Lorna Jane wearing Mums went up across Australia.
Continuing the whole ‘fear of rejection/tears’ theme that’s running tonight, Ning made a weird little snort noise and had a cry to give the Experts some fodder. The 1800 I HAVE ISSUES phone started ringing and Ning said LEAVE in a competitive “I’m going to be the first to abandon you”. Tolerant Mark showed his tolerance and wrote STAY while whispering “im going to make you squat like a little bitch” to Ning. NING LEAVE MARK STAY #imeanttosaysweatbutbitchjustworkedbetter
AN#S INES AND BACKSTREET BRONSON
OK, so just in case we weren’t already in the know that Anus was in fact an Anus, we hear her voiceover: “I’m obsessed with Sam/I’m going to bullshit and stay with Bronson/I want to lick the Pox/I could really use Bronson’s liver as a face mask/creepy mccreepy
Poor unsuspecting (perhaps a little even a tad dopey) Bronson was all “it’s been 3 days since she’s wanted to stab me and it’s refreshing to see that she has a sensitive side” and I yelled “STFU you bloody idiot. She’s using you to get with the Pox and, well JUST STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE”
Bronson thinks they’ll move back in together and Anus was all “I don’t fucking think so Backstreet, I will rip out your heart and drink your blood with my chianti if you so much as cross the threshold of my apartment you accurate C-BOMB dropper”
BOTH DECIDE TO STAY and Ines, in another voiceover, hopes Sam isn’t “a little pussy” BOTH ARE STAYING
SAM THE POX
Sam played the ‘woe is me’ card and kept carrying on about being “disrespected” in a true repeat of Lizzie’s lines while he was at the fake funeral.
Covered in chickenpox, Sam was shocked to learn from John the Expert that Lizzie has a ‘virus’ too. Hang on a minute, how could two people sleeping in the same bed both be sick with the same pox and yet they still let Sam hang out with everyone? Hmmm? #iamsosafetobearound#anybodywantmypox
Sam tries again to curry favour and strangely explains how revolted he was with Lizzie blah blah blah, as she wanted to “eat my face off”. Fave comment of the night was when Sam of the Pox needed to get to know Lizzie better before he could “give myself to her sexually” #twatwaffleinadouchecanoe
Decision: ‘I’m a respectful person and need some more airtime so I can play with my An#s’ #istillthinkyouareapussy
Until tomorrow night on the GOLD COAST when we’re testing their bonds in a GROUP DYNAMIC. Former Lesbian Loz is absolutely spewing to miss out on the group thing
Until tomorrow night