Last night's episode of Married At First had no shortage of drama. Jade and Trav spoke to the creator of Rock Star Mums Drink Champagne, which gives hilarious recaps of each nights episode...
Rock Star Mums Drink Champagne ·
Buckle up B*****s, the fully loaded Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia is stopping for a dinner party...and it is a very serious affair indeed.
We whip around for a quick catch up while getting ready for the dinner party: Mick Dundee sniffs his socks while Insta Jess looks on in disgust, Anus is still hating on Backstreet as he doesn’t ‘please her’, Matt the Man and Lovely Loz are still celebrating that popping sound, Martha with the whipped Manbun, Up Himself Mike was with Hairy Headed Heidi...yada yada. The main focus though is on the toaster pizza warming, Sad and Lonely Lizzie. #sockseemwearable #suntanfromvitamine #lifehacksforpizzasfrommafs
Sad and Lonely Lizzie was hanging out with "me, myself and high" wearing a new tagged hat while singing “All by Myself” in a Bridget Jones tribute. There's left over pizza and chocolate and WE GET IT, SHE'S SAD AND LONEY. I watch fascinated for 145 minutes as Lizzie transforms from A Star is Born into a ummmm…well, not.
Lying Sam is nowhere to be found (he’s in Paddington) and after rambling in a weird affected accent, Lizzie does the most amazing Liam Neeson impersonation: “If you come back, that will be then end of it. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you…and I will kill you”
OMG, IT’S THE DINNER PARTY!
The Experts are pumped and use technical type words like ‘vulnerable’, exposed’ and comparisonitis’ (wtf?) about the couples. Without their white coats, I struggled to remember who they were and what the actual hell they did. #expertsmyarse #niceonetrish
THE ARRIVALS AND A REMINDER ON WHO THE HELL THEY ALL ARE
First to arrive was LVSIS Cyrell and Non-ejaculating Nic, followed by Birkenstock Jules and Cameron, HH Heidi and UH Mike, Manbun Michael and Kimmy K Martha, Mahatma Dino and Manic Mel, Insta Lips Jess and Mick Dundee, Matt the (Anxious) Man and Lovely Loz, Anus Ines and Backstreet Bronson, S&L Lizzie and ummm….Meanie Ning and Tolerant Mark slipped in but nobody bothered to notice.
UH Mike perved on Insta Jess as it reminded him of a 20 year old backpacker he boofed last year - although he wasn't a fan of her puffy lips, Matt the Man got a hammering about his virgin status, Anus felt 'ripped off' and bored that her sister’s dog wasn’t there, Cyrell said her and Nic "suck at marriage", Backsteet, Meanie, Tolerant Mark and Mahatma didn’t talk at all.
Then Sad and Lonely Lizzie made a Public Service Announcement:
“Attention everyone! I haven’t been on a honeymoon. My fake husband is a big tw*twaffle in a douche canoe who’s ‘apparently’ at a five day funeral bender overseas for his ex’s mum. I haven’t heard from him and if he walks through the door and sits in the reserved seat beside me I’m gonna be in shock and awe”
Cameron made a speech as the designated DOM (Decent Older Man) and Manic Mel was all “WAHOOOOOO! I’M PUMPED” Anus shared her secret wish to have a sex party “AN ORGY!” and everyone except for UH Mike looked mortified by the idea #interestingideasaysmike.
Other stuff happened but all I could do was stare at Sad and Lonely Lizzie’s hair extension and her wonky eyelash. #fixitupforyourcloseupslizzie
OMFG! I, FOR ONE, AM SHOCKED! SAM THE GHOSTER WALKED IN AND SAID ‘HONEY I’M HOME’ and didn't even have the decency to look exhausted from his fake trip to New Zealand. I literally wanted to d**k slap him for being such a bloody pratt. Anyone else? Anus Ines yelled “HOLD THAT THOUGHT!” and ran out to get some popcorn to enhance her viewing experience of the show #shelovesthiss**t #hangonatickiwannahearallofthis
ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF THE FIGHT BETWEEN SAM AND PISSED OFF LIZZIE
Lizzie: WTF? I phoned you and left a message. I'm your fake wife for God's sake!
Sam: Oh…ummm…overseas. Oh no hang on, that was my last lie to you. SHIT! Hmmm, yeah I don’t have voicemail.
Lizzie replaying her voicemail: You’re a d**kwad! Anyway, I was sad and lonely and never got to go in the sun to show the real reason I wear these hair extensions - it's to shield body from the sun as I have a medical condition” #okhon #youcouldstillhockoffaringandbuydecenthairthough
Sam talking over Lizzie: OMG, calm TF down. How old are you anyway? I was sad at my ex’s mum’s niece's granddaughter’s fake funeral and then I showed up here as a gift AND WHY ARE YOU UPSET WITH ME? DO YOU NOT SEE HOW GOOD LOOKING I AM? FFS You’re so selfish. #expertssaidheismockingyou #heismockingyoulizzie
Lizzie: dramatically flicking him the long nailed double fister bird: I. AM. SO. DONE!
Anus Ines: WHAT? You’re done? Speak up for f**k’s sake, my popcorn chewing is too loud. You’re too s**t for him anyway, Sam needs the Anus. #Anusinesstrikesagain
We watch the other characters hoping they’ll be more appealing…mehhhh…Matt was asked about his potential ejaculation ("HE'S DONE IT ALREADY" I yell), Mick Dundee slags Insta Jess about not wanting to touch him in bed (yawn), Anus continued her “they’re all s**t’ commentary with a fistful of popcorn, Manic was still excited and Cyrell said “Oh B***h, let’s f**k him up” #gocyrell #letsjustkillhim
UH Mike and Sam discuss their mutual dislike for the recent Gillette commercial: “bloody women” they both agree “they’re just so fucking emotional and don’t listen to logic” they chest bump each other before agreeing that Sam should use some Anthony Robbins' quotes Mike heard at a “Love Yourself More with Anthony” conference .
TRANSCRIPT FROM THE FIGHT PART 2:
Lizzie: I need you to acknowledge how upset I am about missing Thailand, I was so sad and lonely I put on 3 kilos and your wanking arm probably couldn’t life me at all now…and (continues monologue for 5 minutes)
Sam in his head: Kill me now…Oh shit, hang on, I want to stay on this show because I AM NOT MISSING OUT ON I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE. What did Anthony Robbins say again? Oh yeah, that's right.
Sam out loud: I’m not a d**k. I am soooo sorry. I messed up and I’ll make it up to you. Seriously, I’m really good looking and you know you want a piece of this. And...I’m sorry.
Lizzie: Oh. OK. I love you again. Let’s go back inside and see if Insta Liz can do something to get some attention back on her. #longtermrevengeplan
They arrive back inside as Insta starts crying about Mike saying she was fake. Ummm, that was 2 hours ago, how long does it take to process information Insta? Oh yeah…I get it. Insta called Mike and Mick over and poor Mick Dundee did a nervous wee as he knew he’d be in trouble regardless of what happened.
Up Himself pleaded ignorance and Anus watched on with a popcorn stuffing split lip. Insta was so mad she wanted to draw a “diaphragm” and Mike, using his diaphragm, breathed deeply and said “it’s a diagram you bee-stung moron” #thisyearsliplicker
Insta Jess blasted poor Mick Dundee about helping her look ‘idiotic’ and Dundee was all “but you didn’t need my help for that Darl!” Using his diaphragmatic exercises, Mick Dundee imagined he was in a paddock feeding his cows and relaxed. #Ineedtogotomyfarminghappyplace
So that’s it.
Anus Ines wants Sam as her first pick for the orgy, Matt the Man admitted to heavy petting (I got pregnant from 'heavy petting' like that with my husband), Cameron and Manic practiced her Count Dracula laugh and the Experts admitted that some of the couples were on ‘shaky ground’
Until Sunday night
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Image supplied by Nine