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MAFS TONIGHT - The Rock Star Mum Review


Get your pom poms out, do a nude cartwheel and grab your brolly for the storm that is about hit the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia, Episode 28.

The mob are busy:
Ning and Mick are pashing, Mick Dundee has booked his Farewell Tour, Insta is whispering about being deceptive, Hapless Billy put his thonged feet on the couch and my irrational OCD twitched, Critical Susie showed us her boobs again annoyed about rude people, Up Himself Mike is #chasinglove and #chasingfashion, Non-Ejaculating Nic is looking at his momentarily benched wedding ring, Cyrell has benched hers and then 2 things happened:

1) Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap (talking about Soon To Be Cranky Tamara while texting Insta Jess) said “When she drops that persona and she’s a bit more womanly, I’m a lot more attracted to ‘er” Ummmm, WTF WAS THAT? Now, before you yell “it’s all edited and they want him to look bad!” My response is simple: Dan needs no f*cking help with looking bad. #getsmorefeelsforjessinhispants #makesmyskingoheebyjeeby

2) Birkenstock Jules popped another bottle of their never ending Champers and asked Caring Cam to move in. #blessedhesaidyesAwwwwwwwww, they’re going to be making baby Birkenstocks soon! #expertjohnwillclaimavictoryforthat

Jules and Cam, in his Miami Vice outfit, arrive early, quickly followed by Manbun Michael and Kimmy K Martha in a weird Flashdance leotard ensemble #ifyoucloseyoureyesyoucanfeelthemusic. Mike and Hairy Headed Heidi arrive and we all gush over CC and BJ moving in together #notglowingbutmymakeupsonfleek

WEATHER WARNING: Cyclone Cyrell says “whatever comes into my head, I’ll say” #pompomsattheready. Cyrell tells everyone ‘my family loved Nic’ and we get the first glimpse of what really happened: Nic and Cyrell were just friends and Ivan thought Cyrell had enough friends #fairpointbutbaddelivery #thankyouforbeingafriendbutfarkoffnow

Expert Trish got a tad too excited about Softening Ning and and Tolerant Mark maybe getting it on #kindatookeentheretrish.

Soon To Be Cranky Tam was sadly feeling confident about Dirty Dan, Mick Dundee arrives dressed for his Farmer Wants A Wife audition tape while Insta slinked in and grabbed Kimmy K for a chat #fakersunite

WEATHER WARNING – Category 2 approaching
Cyrell pursed her lips and watched and asked Mick about his week “nahhh, it was ok but we’re still done” he says, so she tells us “hmmmm, why is Jess wanting to stay? Mick still wants to leave. You know what, the show’s getting too quiet lately, I’m going to burn some shit to the ground #burnitcyrell

Cyrell questioned Insta about the week and gets annoyed as she knows Insta is lying, and no-one f*cking lies to Cyrell. “If you genuinely wanted to make your marriage work…you wouldn’t have told me you wanted to Beep (she said ‘f*ck’ haahaaa, I don’t even know why I wrote beep!) Dirty Dan’ #howawkwardwasning

Insta delayed the frontal assault by saying “you can speak to me on your own” and Cyrell agreed as she knows her yelling voice will carry through to the entire dinner anyway #hailwarning #shesminebitches

We all discuss Ning and Mark and their ‘getting to third base” and Martha, knowing all, explains the concept of baseball. #thankskimmysohelpful Billy tells the girls that Critical is a spoiled brat and gets high fived for his confidence #yougogirl. Critical tells us “I proper don’t want to” #youspeakgoodengland

FINALLY, the guy with the made-up accent then yells “Vadies and Ventleman, Zinner is Swerved”

Cam does his job as the ‘toaster’ and cheers’ to a ‘harmonious’ night. #wishfulthinkingtheretiger

Insta and Dan conveniently seated across from each other and we know Insta will flirt as she’s going to be ‘selfless for herself’ huh? #stoptalkingnow #whatdoyouactuallymeaninsta

WEATHER WARNING – Category 3ish.
Cyrell watches with growing p*ssedoffedness (yup, It’s now a word for me) and is absolutely f*cking gagging to get Insta within yelling distance. And so we wait. Tam notices the flirting and gets help from Dan to keep her nips in #goodtacticbutforhowlongtam

Dirty Dan, getting a woody at the table, goes outside with the hope Insta will follow. We of course know she will as there’s a champagne bottle with 2 glasses already waiting for them #butthatsjustacoincidenceright 

Here’s their chat
Insta: I missed you
Dan: Yeah. 
Insta: I’m not a cheater, so ummm
Dan: Yeah, neither am I. Wanna hook up for a cheaters date next week?

They play sloppy tonsil hockey and agree they’re mentally attracted and head back inside where Cyrell is waiting #dadadaaaaaaaa

Mick Dundee is blissfully ignorant and tells Critical it’s #unbelievable that he wrote LEAVE and had to stay. Critical was shocked at this: “who would make their spouse stay?” #ummyoudidlstweekffs

Insta sits back down, thinking nobody noticed her lengthy departure and Cyrell, hating liars yells “WHERE THE FARK DID YOU GO?” and my poms poms started shaking by themselves #GETHERCYCLONE Cyclone, with her boobs straining, took Insta outside for their little “chat” #nobodyliestome #justachathahahaha

Here’s their convo:
Cyclone: Your husband is done *channeling Ivan* pack your bags and fark off

Insta: That’s not fair, he told me he was happy this week so maybe he’s a bad communicator.

Cyclone: Don’t turn it round. Dude you wanted to HUMP Dirty Dan WTF is that about?

Insta: Oh, but that was only because he called my family ‘beeps’ that’s justifiable cheaterside

Cyrell: Ummm, no you wanted to hump him before that. Keep track Dingbat. I know you’re not here for the right reason. FAAAARRRRRKKKK

Insta tries to go back inside and it’s on #nobodywalksawayfromcyrell

Cyrell yells “DON’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME! YOU WANTED TO FARK DAN AND DO STUFF AND STUFF” Insta panics and Cyclone yells louder as she’s still not convinced her voice carries. 
Cyclone follows Insta inside yelling “MICK, I HATE TO SAY IT BUT INSTA WANTED TO SLEEP WITH DAN…TAMARA! TAMARA! WTF ARE YOU? OHMOIGAWD, HE’S YOUR HUSBAND WTF? F*CK F*CK F*CK! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO HER? #f*ckinglovehowcraycrayshegets #everyoneisthinkingit #wejustsayitalittlequieter

Jules tells us she ‘feels for Insta as this wasn’t nice” but then I fan-girled when she said “sometimes maybe people ‘like that’ need to hear It’ #crackerjules #thatsabackhanderifieverheardone Jules later tells us that Cam has a decent peen size and a great arse so….i’m feeling a little confused right now #bigpeensmattertoo

Insta grabs Kimmy for a gossip and says “hey guess what? Pinky swear you won’t tell?” and of course Kimmy crossed everything and swore she wouldn’t “I LOVE DAN!” Insta gushed and Kimmy slapped her whispering “you’re on camera, don’t let your little psycho show, you say ‘you’re falling’ it’s only been a f*cking week. #jesusinstacalmthef*ckdown

Kimmy runs back inside and, stirring more, asks Tam “DO YOU CARE?” to bait her into starting another mini cyclone.

Tam grabs Insta under the promise she won’t grill her and grills her about the whole “do you want to shag my husband?” Insta denies it but then the top 25 things she loves about him. Tam is rightly suspect and says “I don’t even know why she’s here still” UMMMMM I CAN TELL YOU…AND SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE! #dirtydanspeen

Dan does a toast and I throw the dribble piss of wine I have left in my glass at the TV. #pieceofdribblep*ssheis

Thank Christ it’s over for the week.


Fi xx

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