Well slide me a pooper scooper so I can recap the poop from the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia episode 27
It’s Homestay week part 2...
UP HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
OK, so I’ve only just found out that Mike has had his hairline tattooed on his head. What?#howisthisevenathing
Heidi thinks it’ll be a great idea to babysit two kids and I mean sure, if I get it, a guy that can find a scalp tattooist online can certainly work out how to entertain kids too yeah? Mike googles “child entertainment’ and comes up with the dodgiest 80’s game of all time: ‘Finding Minties’ and gets his nails painted pink…and well…sorry to bang on about it but does that mean he fake shaved his head on national TV? #wellblowmedownwhatlltheythinkofnext #ihavetoknow
SOFTENING NING AND TOLERANT MARK
Mark contemplates life and for someone who jokes about googling “feelings and where to buy beer pong cups” he seems to be learning rapidly.#youvecomealongwaydrphil
Softening Ning thinks Mark might be good for her and romantically suggests they try and pash. After instructing him to not be ‘stabby’ with his tongue, they pash and I looked at our roof and thought it might need another coat of paint 🙄They turn the light out, pash some more and Ning answered her phone #passionkillerrightthere
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJACULATING NIC
Ivan, wearing his Lakers shirt and carrying his trusty man-bag, arrives to tell Cyrell that he told Nic to “FAAARK OFF” Cyrell gets cranky as she only wanted a minor street brawl and a fruit bowl knocked over, but no…typical f*cking Ivan takes it too far. #thatsjustthekindofguyheis
Cyrell talks to Nic who tries REALLY hard not to use Ivan as the break up excuse. Cyrell cried and watched Nic leave before running inside to check out Ivan’s new man-bag. #isitaknockoffbro
BTW, is anyone else curious that Cyrell is 29 and still on her P’s? No? Just me?
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
We all remember Jules’ parents - (Evelyn and Peter) were concerned over the whole stranger danger thing because, you know, they’re parents. Ev and Pete arrive and Cam ploughs them with booze, flirts about Ev’s eyes and makes a weird “she’s really good mate” comment to Pete about shagging his daughter. WTAF CAM?
Everyone loves everyone and they too will make a shrine for Cam #shegoesalrightpete
CRITICAL SUSIE AND HAPLESS BILLY
Critical berates Hapless Billy for not kissing her feet after buying him wine. The door-bell rings and it’s Hungarian Steve, Critical’s Dad WAHOO! Steve has flown in to interrogate Billy after Critical boo-hoo’d to him on the phone. #ivanlastnighthungarianstevetonightequalsblessed
Hungarian Steve takes Billy outside for another splendid heart to heart:
Billy: it’s been a tough wee…
Steve: STOP TALKING! YOU VILL VISTEN TO ME! My Treasure was crying as you are too nice. What the v*ck? I told you to be mean to my baby. Not her baby, Baby…but my baby, Critical.
Billy: Yeah she wants a bad boy and ..
Steve: I SAID STOP. You no bad boy, you need to show her zou are zee boss. OK?
Billy: Yeah, may…
Steve: STOP! You break her veart if zou can find it. Break it and she will love you. Maybe you meet her baby, Baby if you strong instead of being pussy *meows like a cat*
Billy: I’m getting stronger and…
Steve: For v*cks sake, you pathetic sheet. I finished my smoke, we go now. Good talk.
Billy takes Steve’s advice and, while hugging three fluffy cushions, tells us “I’m excited to show Critical how tough I can be” #billydontbeahero
Billy, trying not to be a Debbie Downer on Low Avenue, tries to talk but Critical yells “STOP F*CKING BREATHING DARLING” and silences him with a slap of her lashes.
Nek minute, Critical takes Billy to meet her friends for their 5 minutes of fame. Critical annoys Simmering Billy and he sizzles to the girls “we don’t communicate/she’s a meanie/ she’s rude/her dad makes me do nervous wees/difficult/can’t stand her/you’re all enablers” and the friends do the standard Critical response “Ehrmergerd, I think SOMEONE has issues” #enablersthelotofyou
I put my pom poms down after cheering Billy on and sat quietly while he cried #becauseiamnotsusieWhen Billy said “why is it me? What have I done wrong” I took my bandaged, broken, bitch slapping hand (from the other night) and slapped the screen when Critical fluttered her moth lashes
Arriving home, Billy searched for his IPOD to play R.E.S.P.E.C.T by Aretha but changed to Eye of the Tiger to get hyped. I chanted “Billy! Billy! Billy!” and waited for him to unleash the annoyed puppy he’s been holding inside. Meanwhile, Critical was all ‘shocked’ that Billy could treat her friends that way as it’s not nice to be critical. #whatnowcritical
Billy: You’re so nasty and you’re condescending and ummm..
Critical: stay somewhere else where you’ll be alive in the morning *frowns sternly*
Billy, faltering: You’re a brat and you’re intentions weren’t pure. And….ummm…Beauty is only skin deep as well. Someday, you’re not..gonna *fark, what’s that saying?* look ahh, as good…as umm you do now. MY DEAR!
Me: Yeah Biiitcches! Rabid
Puppy Billy kinda sorta told you!
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
Kimmy K’s family are all waiting around the dining table to critique Manbun. Kimmy was all “oh God, I hope he can look after himself as I hate having to think of anyone else” Kimmy tells everyone that Manbun is “cool, calm and composed” as she loves the C Words and he get a 10 out of 10.#putuncledavenexttohimthatwillf*ckhimup
INSTA JESS AND MICK DUNDEE
Insta steps up her efforts to be deceptive and tries to lull Mick into a false sense of security. It’s important to Insta that Mick feels comfortable so she takes him out on the town. #whatacrockofshit
‘Hmmm’ Insta thinks ‘what do people say to make people feel good that isn’t “wanna root?” She sleazes to Mick “You light up a room/you’re infectious/notch above the rest/I’d love to have you in my life blah blah” and Mick was all “faaaark, are you feelin’ alright?” and tells us “by jees, by jingo, by crikey I smell a rat in the barn at the farm. Struth, somethin’s fishy”#whatanabsolutebarrycrocker
DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP AND SOON TO BE CRANKY TAM
Tam takes Dan to lunch with her sister and Aunty Cheryle. Aunty Cheryle’s protective and suspect enough to have typed some questions: “Are you a party animal?’ And I nod as Dan is but only ‘every second week’. I then cringed when he said “I’m open to a good time” while leering at Tam’s sister.
Then Aunty Chez drops a clanger “truthfully, are you pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes?” And I YELLED “HE’S PULLING THE WOOL CHEZ! HE’S A WOOL PULLER FROM WAY BACK”.
Dan was annoyed about his integrity being questioned and, as I’m short of non damaged hands to slap the TV, I blew him a raspberry which was childish but faf. #chezhasyournumberyatool
Tam’s sister asked Dirty “what’s your favourite thing about Tam?” and Dirty replied “it’s her personality. I mean I know I said she’s like talking to a brick but you know….haahaaa *whipers to camera* I need her here to stay so I can win on to my other Mrs.. Insta haahaha*#thatwouldmakedanabricklayer#myfavehashtagsofar
Until tomorrow night
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