Well take me to your house and make me a miserable 'Backstreet Bronson’s word' on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australiaepisode 26
Here we go for the homestays:
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
We arrive at Jules’s house and quickly head off to go clay pigeon shooting.
Yup. Clay. Pigeon. Shooting. Hahaaa, Jules has been an enthusiastic fake pigeon shooter and wants to kick Cam’s arse….aaaand, nup. Jules 0, Cam ‘twofer’. Not one to like losing, Jules cracked a tanty and I was like “ooooh, here’s your MAFS fight that’ll get you more airtime”
HEIDI AND MIKE
OK, so this couple are trying to #chooselove and honestly, I couldn’t really give a rats.
Heidi’s chuffed she cooked rice without burning it and Mike, anxious to control the situation, used his fingernails to peel some ginger. I did a little vom in my mouth and yelled ‘use a farking knife’ and he did as he’s Mr Compromise #gingerpicker
Insta states that Dan is ticking her box and I slapped myself for listening to her speak about her box. While Mick is having a ‘breather’ Insta contacts Dirty Dan and here’s the convo:
Insta: Oh hey, I was worried you’d think I was a Slapper with the allegations last night
Dan: Nah. I was gonna stand up for ya but then probably couldn’t still shag Tam too hey…so nah.
Insta: omg babe, we have the same values!
Dan: yeah haaha, hook up when we get back ok?
Insta: Oooh, I’m giddy *eyes bulge for effect*
Mick wants to give minimal effort to try to get Insta to leave. I agree and think he should poop on the floor at every opportunity. #isthatbad Insta’s step-father and sister arrive and Insta cleans their wine glasses with Windex. WTAF Insta #areyougreek?
Mick talks about calling Insta’s sister a C-Bomb. Mick leaned in and said “look, the C-Bomb was a bit rough, I probably should have said you looked like you sucked on lemons for a living. My bad”
Insta and Eliza goss about how Dan fawned all over her. Ummm, no, that’s not how it happened. Remember? You got knocked back from Nic and then hauled Dan out for a bit. #dontletthetruthgetinthewaydarl Eliza said “oooh, the others might see it as sly but go for it. You went on the show for love so if it’s with someone else’s husband then…meh….” #approvalequalshashtagblessed
SOON TO BE CRANKY TAMARA AND DIRTY DAN DONE DIRT CHEAP
Dirty Dan’s intrigued with Insta and can’t believe his luck at having two women to play with #donedirtcheap
Tam goes to enormous effort by making sandwiches and cutting strawberries to impress. #sheaintnoquitter. They head to the Great Ocean Rd for a picnic and the conversation is absolutely f*rking riveting:
Dan: oooh, the road goes for a while hey?!
Dan (on the beach): I’ve never been to a beach in Melbourne before
Me: OMFG, you’re on The Great Ocean Rd you bloody KNOB JOCKEY
Dan: ooh, I like chicken sandwiches. Thanks for the effort hon.
Tam (eating a juicy strawberry): Oooh, look I squirted..haahaa
Dan: f*rk, I wish Jess was here…I mean phwoar you squirted haahaa
Dan to the ACA cameraman: I mean maybe I haven’t given Tam the respect she deserves, just kidding haahaaa f*ck her and feed her fish heads. I’m working two women #reelhiminheissuchacatch
CRITICAL SUSIE AND BILLY
Critical said she was being ‘amicable’ and I think I did a giggle fart I laughed that hard. We agree that Critical has no empathy and shiver with anticipation about Billy’s impending punishment.
Critical admits why she’s on MAFS: “I have 6 acres so I just need a bloke to do some chores” After weeks of giving Billy shit, Critical literally gives him more shit by making him pick up the massive “Caramel Koalas” her horse sized dog did. Billy dry heaved his way through #metoobillymetoo
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
Kimmy shows us her arse as she’s getting her ex-boyfriend’s name removed in a show of like for Manbun. Whatevs. #manbunwashappythough
SOFTENING NING AND MAYBE NOT FOREVER SINGLE MARK
Ning is worried what her friends will say to Mark and they tell him
she’s scared of getting hurt.
Ning pipes up with “the Experts just want us to shag” and Mark agrees with their observation.Ning, swatting his hand away snarls “because you touching me is just gross”
Ning gets emotional and wipes her newly applied lashes while saying “something is wrong with me” This looked legit and I found myself liking these two a bit . What in actual the fuck is happening to me? #prayforme
LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL AND NON-EJACULATING NIC
Ok, so I’m a little pumped as Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan is back. #pleaseswearinfrontofthefoodivan
Cyrell’s parents make Nic feel welcome and we get ready for the group critique. I get impatient and start chanting “IVAN...IVAN... IVAN’ as I’m desperate for non-cheating related drama.
Ivan arrives and uses his brooding eyes to penetrate Nic’s very core. Ooooh, fark, this could be good! If Ivan’s not vibed then Shit. Will. Go. Down..
Ivan suggested Nic say ‘Grace’ before they ate and Nic did a dodgy “yeah cheers thanks for giving me LVSIS Cyrell” and...silence. Nic explained they’d had their “ups and downs as Cyrell could make a category 5 cyclone look pissweak” and Ivan’s #notamused.
Widening his eyes, Ivan did the “are you willing to work/why are your walls up now/love her at her worst/I will f*ck you up if she gets watery eyes/if you’re accepted you’ll be king /prove yourself blah blah blah..#weneedanewkingdingaling
Cyrell, deciding “f*ck it, I’m having some fun” tells Ivan the whole rumour about the ‘rubbing under the table’ …and she did a better job of stirring the pot than Kimmy K #niceonecyrell #whencyrellsattack
“My husband should have stuck up for me instead of getting me to fight his battles. I’m a shy person as you know” OMFG CYRELL ARE YOU DRUNK
RIGHT NOW? THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED! Ivan’s eyes blazed with cray-cray and he was all “I’m gonna fuck him up”
Ivan and Nic went to shoot some hoops and it was on like Donkey Kong
Ivan: What are your intentions with my sweet, kind and reserved sister?
Nic: Do you mean Cyrell???Ummm, we’re all up and down so…
Ivan interrupting: Take the good with the bad. Actually, nope. F*ck it. You don’t even yell when I’m talking so you’re not right for us
Nic: Umm. I think it’s betw-’
Ivan: STOP TALKING! Do you have any food ?
Nic: ahhh, no, we’re playing basketball.
Ivan: Good, I can swear. Stay the f*ck away from my sister. Grab your shit and f*ck off. F*ckity f*ckity f*ckity…Faaaaaaaarrrrk.
Nic: ok *whipsers to camera* How disrespectful. I had a chicken wing in my pants and now it’s literally weeping. I hope Cyrell stands up for me ‘cause he kinda makes my sphincter feel nervous
Until tomorrow night
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