Well throw your wedding rings in the air like you just don’t care and jump on the Trash Train that isMarried At First Sight Australia Episode 24.
The Day of the Dinner
We wake up with Insta Jess recovering after her extreme foofa waxing for the impending Dirty Dan hook up. Mick Dundee arrives, refusing to apologise except for the ‘C Bomb/F*ckhead’ language and decides to wear his shearing clothes and double pluggers to dinner #2for25attheservo
Caring Cam puts on his best Charlie Chaplin outfit for Birkenstock Jules, Manbun Michael and Kimmy K Martha added to their real life Insta board, Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell dabbed her lip gloss like I do when I’m drunk in the ladies loo at 3am, Hairy Headed Heidi is losing interest in Up Himself Mike and Nervous Billy and Critical Susie discuss how shocked everyone will be that he hasn’t died a slow and horrid whipping death by false eyelashes #flaccidpeensstillmattertoo
Still reeling from the non-apology for the “I’m going to have an affair and needed to start a fight’ fight, Insta Jess fires off a “he’s too self-centered” comment making me roll my eyes so severely that I stared at my brain for a full 3.5 minutes.#yourepayingfortheoptometristinsta
Tam wonders if Insta Jess is going to follow Dirty Dan around all night and I go “ummm, H.E.L.L.O….have you seen the ratings? Of course she is!’ Aside from the ratings, Dan’s Mum (the non-frowning Gabster) would approve of Insta wanting to blow up Dan’s bum#youneedsomeonewarmandaffectionatelikeinstason
Martha zeroes in on Dirty Dan on behalf of her fellow Mean Girl, Insta “are you happy or struggling with whatseherface...orrrrr?”#hernamesf*ckingtamokkimmy
Mick Dundee arrives with a freshly shorn sheep and no Insta. The crowd gasp and Mick, tripping over his double pluggers while herding the sheep to the kitchen, tells everyone about his fight with Insta. Martha jumps up at the injustice of it all and welcomes Insta on arrival and whispers “Let’s try and burn this shit to the ground”#slappersreunitedanditfeelssogood
Martha pushes Insta to make a Public Service Announcement about her side of the fight. “it’ll be my only chance to see some drama…*chants* Do it! Do it! Do it for the Kimmy K!” and Insta, crossing her fingers, said “I’m a lady with dignity, I’m not doing that *whispers to the cameraman* but I will show Dan my lady bits in a f*rking ladylike ‘
around my head fashion later” *winks and licks her lips awkwardly #acrobatinsta
A guy with a made-up accent then yells “Vadies and Ventleman, Zinner is Swerved” Everyone looked at him blankly until Mick Dundee said “Heavans to Betsy, I think that means they’ve gutted and cooked my sheep. I’m starved. UNBELIEVABLE”
Mick Dundee sits down saying ‘unbelievable’ every time Jess licks her lips – so I just know I’m going to be sick to death of the word ‘unbelievable” by the end of the show #unbelievable
Tam flashes a nip and Nic panics when he sees it ”Holy shit” he thought “what if Cyrell saw me accidentally perve at another woman?” He looks at Cyrell while shivering and covering his peen and she just smiled and said “it’s ok, Tam is going to kill Martha’s BBF Insta in the next few days so she’s now MY new BFF. Nip stare away”#imallabouttamdoingittoosaidcyrell#nipflasheseverywhere
The Experts keep saying “ooooh, something’s going to blow” and I get nervous as I think it might be Dirty Dan and nobody needs that.#anyonehaveanapkin
Critical Susie gives up trying to sit straight and lays her boobs on the table before telling Insta about Billy’s flaccid peen in the calendar. “I’ve seen better” she laughs, giving Nervous Billy the OK to state how unhappy he is to Mike and Dan…and these two LOVE that conversation. Just men doing manly things in manly ways#ibettheybothwearlynxtoo.#shetreatsmelikep*ssonasidewalk
Softening Ning and Tolerant Mark ask Heidi and Mike if they’re ok. We hear about the “I could maybe/one day/possibly/almost/might love you” and Expert Mark ‘experted’ the shit out of them. Mike said Heidi had nowhere to live and Heidi was all “you f*cking jerk” AND THEN SHE SAID “I’m not going to marry just anyone!” and I went HANG THE F*RK BACK, YOU LITERALLY JUST MARRIED AN ‘ANYONE’ 6 WEEKS AGO. ARE YOU DRUNK?”#anyonegotalighterheidineedsaspark#donteversaymoodytoawomanmike
Caring Cam gushes over Birkenstock Jules and Susie, lifting her boobs off the table, checked her fangs in a knife #didjulesreallysayheruterusburstseeingcamwithkids #fangchecker
Dirty Dan and Nervous Billy have a chat about life and love. Dirty Dan, seizing his opportunity, says he’s only been ‘in to Tam’ but he’s not really ‘into’ her. If he sees an opportunity to boof someone else he likes the look of he definitely will#whocoulditbenow #cheersboys
Tam calls Dirty Dan a ‘doll’ and he turns on her: “I might be used to you saying ‘doll’ but I don’t like it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?” and I yelled, ‘turn him into a voodoo doll and put some pins in him Tam!’ #doesthishurtdoll#idontthinkanyoneunderstandsdan
THEN IT HAPPENED
Insta deadpans the camera: “I’m not good at this whole slapper thing…but I’ll give it a red hot go” This comment came after spending the last hour licking her lips, gobbing her wine glass and looking at Dan with drunk hooker ‘let me taste your salty b*lls’ eyes. #itsalottotakein.
Insta strips her way over to Dan with her lipstick lined wineglass and here’s there convo:
Insta: Do you like lipstick lines on things you dirty boy? I came her for love and want to explore it. You’ve got a kid yeah?”
Dirty Dan: Yeah he’s four
Insta: That’s my favourite age! Wow. So..ummmm, do you want to hook up?
Dirty Dan: Yeah. Tam’s nice and all but I need a new chick as it’s been, like 2 weeks with her already. You’re a goer you are.
Jess: I’m about it…and when I say ‘it’ I mean me. I want kids and a family with you. Cool. Do you want me to draw a diaphragm? #adiagramwouldworktoo
Tam is telling Jules the whole froth/I’m all about it/he’s cool Dirty Dan story and Jules kept a straight face while watching Dan dry hump Jess over Tam’s shoulder.
THE DEAN AND DAVINA REPEAT
We switch back to Dirty Dan and Insta as they go outside. Insta staggers out first and raises her glass to everyone in the room. #cheersbitches Dan sits down and gets all “get close to me babe” 🙄
Dirty Dan: you’re a good looking girl. Have you tried to win onto to anyone else in this group?
Insta: well Sir I never, of course not! I’m a lady….By the way…I’m so wet...from this rain haha. #somoistHey ummm, I’m not fake and can’t lie…Heeeheeeeee
Dirty: well Tam is a good shag buddy of mine but talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. You however, talk so much and so well…I actually have a cold calling opportunity for you if you want to work for me.
Insta: I’m so giddy and nervous *licks lips*
Dirty Dan: ooooh baby….
and leans in for a pash fest. I look away and dry heave, go and refill my wine, pick my undies out of my bum and come back to discover that they’re going to both write STAY.
OOOOOHHHHH FAAARRRRK I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING #davinaanddeanpart2#combinedhairflickandgiggle#heyshitbagsgetbackinside
We leave the show tonight with Tam saying “are you ok doll?” to her Insta smelling husband and Insta was all “I don’t want to hurt or step over anyone’ then she laughed hysterically while tonguing her lips and covering her mouth
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