It was The Commitment Ceremony on MAFS last night and the couples delivered no shortage of entertainment. Rock Star Mums Drink Champagne gave us all her hilarious recap and here it is...
Well tickle my boobies and call me a Slapper, here’s the Update for Trashbags for the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
It’s the morning after the Dinner Party: Anus wants some Botox and muses about Sam’s pee pee while Backstreet raises his eyebrow ring, Lusty Lizzie is sooooo confused and expressive about ‘Sand’ (Sam the Ick), Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam are still cute, Mick Dundee gave bloody Insta Lips bloody Jess a scare about losing her bloody place on MAFS and losing Insta likes, Up Himself Mike pashed Hairy Heady Heidi to stop her talking and to remind her he’s a sex god and not a therapist, Kimmy K Martha and Manbun Michael look in a mirror, Matt the Mad Shagger and Lovely Loz are in polite lust land and Meanie Ning isn’t mean enough to Tolerant Mark to warrant airtime.
The Commitment Ceremony
The Experts sat in the Commitment Chamber (aka the restaurant reception/counseling rooms) and said “soon you’ll be separated”. Anus Ines yelled “fuck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! Get Backstreet the piece of non-Range Rover driving shit away from me”
Expert John sets the stern ground rules: “if only one writes ‘STAY’ you’re both f***ed and have to stay..make sense?” The couples split up and we hear a bit of b*****ing in an attempt to make us think a couple might actually leave 🙄#ummmweknowitistooearlyforthat
Here’s how the couples go:
BIRKENSTOCK JULES AND CARING CAM
We start off with CC and BJ (snicker snicker) as they’re the poster children for MAFS success stories so far. Of course it’s a great big whopping STAY and we sigh and cry “get to the DRAMTIC COUPLES FFS!” #cutecouplethough
UP HIMSELF MIKE AND HAIRY HEADED HEIDI
UHM wasn’t nervous at all because he’s UHM and HHH is only human. As a gentleman, UHM decides to only ‘insinuate’ they’ve had sex by saying “I’m sleeping like a baby’
HHH then uses her incredibly expressive muppet hands to explain how UHM ‘discredits her feelings blah blah blah’. UHM was all, ‘oh s**t, how am I gonna participate in the orgy if I’m not here?” so he used the Anthony Robbins’ “how to appear nice when you’re a tw*t” advice he gave to Sam: “I’m sorry, I know I need work” 😂
MATT THE MAD SHAGGER AND VIRGIN BUSTER LAUREN
OK, so WE know Matt is now MTMS but everyone in the chamber NEEDS to hear it.
MTMS was all “I can’t imagine my life without her’ and VBL was all “he’d do anything for me” and the crowd was ‘ffs, just tell us if you’ve had sex”
Expert Trish excitedly started singing “let’s talk about sex baby” and MTMS “uhmmmed and ahhhd” so much that I thought he was about to experience his second 15 seconds of excitement in front of me. We finally get a ‘YES WE SHAGGED” and it was high fives all round
LUSTY LIZZIE OF THE GOLD BRA AND SAM THE ICK
LLOTGB told the experts about STI (heeheeee) being a pratt.
STI justifies his running by explaining about his “phone call” from his ex and I was like “you said it was a text you big doofus! Remember to stick to your lies”
LLOTGB spoke at 4,000 words per hour and STI just kept saying “UMMMM HELLO, ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT HOW HOT I AM? YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL I EVEN CAME BACK FROM MY FAKE FUNERAL” And I literally wanted to slap him in the balls with a spatula.
STI explained that he was a “LEAVE” as his time was too “valuable” and LLOTGB, reminiscent of Tracey the Lip Licker from last year, started her long and slow revenge plan against STI:“I’m a STAY Motherfuckers” and the crowd stopped breathing.
“Why would you do that to my BRO?” cried Mike and STI agreed “I mean come on Lizzie, we all know you’re too big for me with those extra kilos of pizza, chocolate and sadness you’ve been carrying around.
MEANIE NING AND TOLERANT MARK
They laugh about things that happened in 1985, she’s ‘hard work’ and ‘feels sorry for him” and I wholeheartedly agreed with both statements. Both stay and TM’s heart is opening up enough to maybe buy more crockery. STAYING #givemesomeexcitementffsorlosemeforever
KIMMY K MARTHA AND MANBUN MICHAEL
MMl is affectionate and KKM is usually an ice queen as the Instagram solo make-up sponsorships are worth too much to share. With a couple of exfoliation companies signing on however, KKM is opening up to the world of couples marketing. Both are a STAY #couplesponsorshipsarethebest
NODDING MANIC MEL AND MAHATMA DINO
NMM nods that MD is “too full on, speaks too much ‘spirtitual’ and freaks her tf out” MD looked into his Dandelion tea, smiled, did a Downward Dog position and both agreed they have faith in the experts #hahahahahahaha#doyouspeakspiritualdarl
MICK DUNDEE AND INSTA LIPS JESSIKA
Oh Jess what a gift you are: “I’m hoping we can get through this HARMONOUSLY” and as soon as she said it I googled the name of the high school she went to so I could go and slap the shit out of her English teacher.
MD was all “bloody, bloody, bloody bushwhackers and workboots” and, like ILJ, agreed to STAY as ‘the rebel lines were built on hope” which everyone thought was fab. I’m not sure if that’s an actual saying or if MD was just S.L.O.W.L.Y quoting “Rebellions are built on hope” fom his favourite Star Wars movie “Rogue One”
NON-EJACULATING NIC AND LOUIS VUITTON SUPREME IVAN’S SISTER CYRELL
NEN explains that LVSISC IS loud, confident and too outspoken. LVSISC, informed from a recent Google search on self-awareness, did a self-diagnosis about self sabotage. Both are STAYING as this is a new storyline the Experts want to get cred for #welltheyneedcredfromsomewhere
ANUS INES AND BACKSTREET BRONSON
Here’s the part we were all waiting for: Anus is emotionally and mentally drained about BB: “he’s a f***ing liability in a wheelie bin attaching himself to me. He’s as dumb as an ox and only says 3 things: 1: ‘hey mate’ and 2, ‘that’s beautiful’”. #ummmmthatwasonly2youidiot
She continued, “who could fall in love with an eyebrow wearing 80’s broke-arse stripper FFS?” BB responded with “I’m miserable” and all the other girls were like “ooooh, baby, come to Mumma” Anus again dropped the whole “why can’t I have a husband swap?” #didyouseeSamseyeslightup
Birkenstock and Lizzie got stuck into Anus about the orgy comment while Sam and Mike did the naughty school boy look which silently said “f**k yeah, I’ll high five you over the top of a chick while holding the camera hehehehehehehe” #mutualmasturbationsocietyfoundingmembers#d**kheads
Expert John expertly clapped his hands and yelled “SILENCE PLEASE, Anus needs to give us more to use for the promos” Bronson clung to his nice guy image AND THEN DROPPED THE C BOMB – at least I think that’s what he said: “I’m not calling her a BLEEP I’m just saying she acts like a BLEEP” #ohnoyoudidnt #cbombsforeveryone
HOLY S**TBALLS! I mean I know some people might have been thinking similar thoughts BUT you can’t say that word Backstreet!
Expert Mel goes all relationship experty with a “ A tip from me to you: don’t use language like that, don’t speak about women like that If you want any chance of a relationship with a woman” and I didn’t disagree for the first time ever!
#beepbeep #yeahyoubigpoobum #t**twouldhaveworked #ormoot#doublestandardsmuchmel #mighthavebeencoolinthe80sbro”
Anus of course wants to leave and Backstreet, with the second revenge plan unfolding, smiled mischievously and wants to STAY. I high fived Bronson and then slapped him for using the C-Bomb. The Experts are going to ‘intervene’ immediately and teach Anus & Backstreet respect blah blah blah blah 😂#ijustwantaf***inghandbagsaidtheanus#whyisntthisalreadyanorgy
To finish off the show, Sam the Ick does a piece to camera to try and make Lizzie out to be completely bonkers and I found myself sticking up for her. Anus then speaks about Sam being really hot and…hang on a minute, do you think Captain Freaking Obvious is in town and they’ll end up hooking up? Hmmmmm? #iforonewillbeshocked #deserveeachother
Until tomorrow night
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